Naijareports: Nigeria News and Rumour

urgent solution to arsenal's problem

2011-08-31T00:17:00.001-07:00

1. get an arab owner.

2. sack the coach or promote him.

3. buy mature players.

all of the above or jonathan style; disband the team for 2 years

Inspector General of Police: Comedian of the month

2011-07-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

We are awarding Oga Ringim not because of his shakara over boko haram that almost got him killed or that still now he is not sure whether its sucide bombing.

He deserve the award for going to America. He left his own house burning, we are told to deliver lecture.

We can just imagine the titles and content of those lectures, "do not mess with the terrorist","he who fights and run away" .........

The president did not do enough by calling him back, if he is my junior brother i know what i will do to him.

The rantings of Farida Waziri

2009-11-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

Pls can somebody ask me to leave Anty Farida and EFCC alone, since they did not kidnap my dad like Soludo Papa, i am not owing any bank, we are not fighting over a babe etc.....

Maybe i don't like hypocrite but she is not the only one in obodo Nigeria.

She is however the No 1 comedian in the country as at today .....so welcome to the latest episode of Farida Waziri show......AIT and NTA take note before i sell the idea to FOX, ABC etc

1. America encourages Nigeria’s looting - Waziri; That is big sister answer to Hillary Clinton allegation that EFCC is no longer working. I agree with her that we loot because Obama allows us to but house in America and other country do not steal because they are banned from buying stuff in Yankee.....She is just too brilliant.....

2. Waziri: I was threatened over Bode George’s trial; If the head of EFCC was threatened and blackmail, what are we doing about it.....Its either the people behind the threats are bigger than her, her cupboard is full of skeleton or she is just not telling us the truth. I was wondering why the case was like that.......i now understand that its blackmail......

3. We will appeal Vaswani verdict; EFCC is saying they will appeal since they were not join in the suit...........Were they not in the country when the case was going on.......were they sleeping or because they were collecting debt they forgot.....I have a feeling they know they don't have a case....Its the game EFCC plays

The NEW EFCC GAME: Analysing Bode Geoge Conviction

2009-11-03T22:36:00.000-08:00

GOOD News.....

Breaking News.....

EFCC is finally working.........All hail Farida Waziri

Not only recovering debt but finally convicting Bode George.

The true gist is that Uncle Bode was not found guilty of fraud or stealing but more of adminstrative isuues....splitting contract, not obeying authorities...etc....which is why no body is talking of returning money.

They also prosecute and jail half the NPA board why?

Its just a GAME.....

EFCC case is so mess up that the man will win on appeal...a variation of the old game that they pick Iyabo Obasanjo and co, after a lot of noise grant them bail after a few days and return passports for medical reasons....life continue.

In the next few week be rest assure that MR Bode George will be granted bail, then he will probably win at the appeal court.....if they want to drag the film like the normal nollywood film with part 2 and part 3 they will go to supreme court.....

You will see more variation of this new game with Elumelu and co and a number of other cases until we are bored......

Pls can't somebody in Nollywood just shot the film.

How to be popular by Adokiye Amiesimaka

2009-11-03T22:21:00.000-08:00

I don't like NFF and the excuses and statements defending the overage captain of the Nigeia under 17 Golden Eaglet, it just affirm they are more stupid, inept and corrupt than we can imagine.

I have always maintained that all those MRI scan was childplay to keep us amuse.....FIFA under 17 my foot

I know a long time ago that if some of those 'boys' especially those playing in the Nigeria professional league are under 17, then i need to call my mum for my real age......

I know Adokiye is a good player, a trained lawyer and supposedly a 'patriotic' Nigeria...

Please was he in the country when the list of player was relase, when those men were going for training camp....haba since he was not suffering from amnesia he could have save us a little more embarassement by coming out earlier.

Sorry, if he did that he will not be as popular.....

So oga is not being patriotic, he just want to be front page news and stupid NFF played along.....

Enjoy ur moment in the Sun Uncle Adokiye

China battle the West over Nigeria Oil

2009-10-30T04:52:00.000-07:00

"Royal Dutch Shell Plc (RDSa.L) will fight any possible efforts by the Nigerian government to hand control of its Nigerian fields to Chinese oil companies, the Anglo-Dutch oil major’s chief financial officer said on Thursday.
“One thing you probably will have seen, and can be sure of, is that both ourselves and the industry will defend our interests,”Simon Henry told analysts on a conference call when asked about recent Chinese approaches to Abuja.
China has indicated its desire to move in on oil blocks currently licensed to Western oil firms, including Shell, Chevron (CVX.N) and ExxonMobil"

This is good oooo......We hope Government will get the best for the oridinary Nigrian and not for a group of politician......

Who is selling the ticket for the battle/match?

A crime to urinate?

2009-10-29T00:59:00.000-07:00

"Bristol City's goalkeeper Dean Gerken was arrested in the early hours of Sunday, the club has confirmed.
Avon and Somerset Police said a 24-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure after he was allegedly spotted urinating."

I think they just need to cane the guy, why will you arrest him.

if we start that in Nigeria, na overcrowding for prison

Soludo's Papa....who stole am

2009-10-29T00:51:00.000-07:00

Lets play detective,
1. Chris Uba, He is the main suspect
2. Andy Uba, He doesn't like both soludo and his brother.
3. Chris Ngige, maybe want to pay PDP back.
4. Peter Obi, Governor and nice person but politician can do anything.
5. Soludo himself, Maybe no kidnap na setup.
6. Another aspirant, Who plan to gain from all the fight.
7. real kidnapper.
8. none of the above.
Who is the guilty party, like they say on TV vote and win, lol

Is Asuu Mad?

2009-09-14T03:39:00.000-07:00

Too much books can made one mad is a general belief and with the dressing and hairstyle of some old lecturers could also be true. An emperor in the bible also accused Paul of being mad from too much reading.Former president Obasanjo was in ABU last week and said the solution to the FG/ASUU stalemate is for government to understand ASUU's idiosyncrasy. My interpretation of that big grammar is ASUU's madness.Really what is the solution, Who is mad, ASUU, FG or both?

Access Bank, Sanusi And The 16 Billion Naira Loan

2009-09-14T03:34:00.000-07:00

Is it true that United alliance belonging to the MD and DMD of Access bank owes Intercontinental bank 16 billion according to CBN debtor's list?Is it true that the money was use to buy access bank shares?Since Access bank cannot use his own money to buy his own shares, he can float a company and collect money from another bank to buy the shares and return the favour to the other bank by also giving them loan, nice way of beating BOFIDWe are told they ve paid back another 1billion so the loan is performing, but is it true that the value of shares is just about 50% of the loan as at now?The bank might write off the loan but what is Sanusi saying about it?

Hillary Clinton cause trouble for Nigeria Bankers

2009-09-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

Analyst have explained that if Hillary Clinton had not visited Nigeria Cecilia Ibru and co will not be in EFCC's cell.

Hillary abused the government and EFCC so much they decided something must be done urgently to divert attention, which is why CBN rushed out the report of 10 banks instead of waiting for them to finish for all the other banks.

That is also the reason why EFCC dey do oversabi so as to be relevant and prove Hillary wrong.

Nigeria: Where Ministers are billionaire

2009-09-07T06:34:00.001-07:00

How many ministers are billionaires? That is the question we are asking EFCC since they know what we don't know.

EFCC when granting their administrative bail said they want a guarantee of a billion naira from a bank that doesn't have problem.

They later said they want somebody with a house in Ikoyi or Asokoro, ........

Finally they said the applicant must be a minister of the federal republic......

I have been wondering who is the minister with a house in Asokoro and worth over a billion......but none of the ministers get liver to confess they have stolen that much including....... I wont mention names

Nigeria Biggest Billionaire

2009-09-07T06:34:00.000-07:00

When you are big, you are big.....

Aliko Dangote once again used this banking reform to prove he is bigggggg.

While others are still arguing you owe, i don't owe and debating when and how they will pay, Uncle Aliko not only paid back the money he is said to be owing he also paid back 20% excess.

I think Jimoh Ibrahim should go to him for training about how to be a big man cos after he made a lot of noise about how much he is owing, he still paid back less than half of what he claimed he is owning.....

Level pass level

Comedian of the Year (Banking reform)

2009-09-07T06:23:00.000-07:00

Ali Baba, Tee A, Gordons and co might have to go to court that Farida Waziri is practicing as a comedian without licence, and making them to loss income

The woman giving ultimatum to everybody to pay back debts, her bail conditions, the claim or lie of the number of debtors in EFCC custody, using Interpol to get Akingbola.......

I am told people have stopped going to comedy show in Lag, they just watch the news for what is the latest from Aunty Farida......

State with best senators in Nigeria

2009-06-08T10:21:00.000-07:00

Lets continue with our review of Thisday newspaper analysis of senators. If we award 1 point for every senator below average, 2 points for average and 3 points for above average, we will discover that six states are tied for joint best.
The six states are.......
Lagos: Tinubu might have handpicked those AC boys, but he really picked them right.
Ogun: I think the competition between Tinubu and Daniel is good, so Daniel neeed to make sure that the first eleven is in Abuja.
Anambra: The jekyll and hyde state. A state that will produce a chris Uba and an Ngozi Nweala at the same time. We all know that a state that have Achebe, Azikiwe, Ekwueme etc is good.
Cross River: Have you listened to Duke or Imoke? They have a tendency of producing brilliant cultured politicians like they produce pineapple, clean cities and beautiful ladies.
Enugu: Even the governor seems to be performing, so even if Nnamani was a bad governor, like Tinubu he produced good children.
Katsina: The president's own state decided to make sure the man is well supported in Abuja. Its the only state from the north but it shows that any state can send good people to Abuja if they want.
Which state tied up for the worst ....guess

Two worst senators in Nigeria.

2009-06-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

Thisday newspaper 3 weeks ago did a special review of senators in its Sunday edition.
The grading seemed objective since they tried to back it up with data and the analysis made sense. They graded senators as either above average, average or below average.
Only two senators were exceptional. They were so bad they could not be rated as below average. This day was nice enough to describe them as uninspiring.
So join me in giving thumb down to Dahiru Bako Gassol from Taraba and Ahmed Muhammed Inuwa from Kwara.

Will Yaradua Do The Right Thing?

2009-06-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

The president is expected today to brief a select audience about the Niger delta crisis today. Some optimist are expecting him to disclose the list of sponsors and Godfather supposedly discover by JTF.He will not because they are powerful people and he doesn't have the liver.The way we do politics in Nigeria he will not want to rock the boat.We are still waiting for the list form Okija, Haliburton etc.Maybe we will get another panel to look into and investigate the list, Naija

The Tompolo's Paper: Secrets of the Niger Delta militants.

2009-06-08T07:10:00.000-07:00

Tompolo's parent probably started the problem by naming him Government Ekpemupolo. He therefore felt he is another government with parallel structure.
His official resident was also called 'Aso rock' and governors and oil company flocked to it daily like the other Aso rock.
We are told that even the Vice president, Goodluck Jonathan was even a visitor and was told that all his securities must drop their arms outside camp 5, since he was in another government territory.
Informed sources told us that the documents recovered from the camps is worth a king's ransom and really show that the man was running a parallel government.
Details include......
His army/ civil servant: Records of all members, their emoulment, job function etc.
His bankers: Details of all banking transactions; The legal and the money laundering.
His sponsors: The governors, politicians, agencies, oil companies etc paying him.
His agents; Who was he paying in government, oil company etc.
Minutes of his meetings with politician, traditional rulers etc
We can go on, but just wait for the documents.

Exposed: Reasons why President Obama is scared of coming to Nigeria - Part 2.

2009-05-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

This is the concluding part of why Barrack - the Son of Obama is not coming to Nigeria.
Corruption is rampart in Nigeria.
Election was rigged in Ekiti.
War in the Niger delta.
Bad infrastructure, etc.
We can go on and on but Nigeria is saying he is going to Ghana because Ghana is better than Nigeria.
We need to ask ourselves that is he visiting Ghana and not South Africa because Ghana is better than South Africa? Lets get serious, American president visits a country not because they are better than each other or even because of the state of the economy.
We should face more important issues than crying over the fact that Obama prefer kenke to pounded yam.

Exposed: Reasons why President Obama is scared of coming to Nigeria

2009-05-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

The biggest story in the last 2 weeks is that Obama is not coming to Nigeria but going to Ghana, as if there is a law that says he must come to Nigeria.

We have however investigated the reason why the Kenyan basketball playing president is giving Nigeria a wide berth. Some of the reasons include....

Dog meat is a delicacy. The first family do not want to risk the new addition to the family, BO.

Randy Governors. Its a fashion statement for governors to marry young president's daughters and Obama has 2 daughters.

Kidnapping. Michelle Obama might be kidnapped by militants since they are now operating in Abuja and Kaduna.

Stoning. Professor Wole Soyinka is practicing in preparation to stone Barrack and the man killed a lot of lizards and pigeons when young.....

Watch out for the concluding part.

Nobel Laureate, Soyinka promise to stone President Obama

2009-05-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

Thisday newspaper have quoted prof wole Soyinka of promising to stone President Obama if he made the mistake of coming to Nigeria .“If Obama decides to grace Nigeria with his presence, I will stone him”
This is a serious threat remembering what happen to George Bush in Iraq.

Also with Soyinka hairstyle, big grammars etc he will be able to claim temporary insanity as defense.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed

Nigeria Oh Nigeria...We are back.....part 2

2009-05-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

To all Manchester United fans congrats .....though people are asking what happened at half time against Wigan. Was there a phone call to the former Man. U boy and coach of Wigan- Steve Bruce by his former coach Sir Alex Fergurson.......?

Wenger decided to remove his 2 best players , haba if na Nigeria it will be called match fixing, Liverpool supporters don't mind them.

Benitez says Manchester United is not the best team in England, they just won......... I agree it must be Newcastle United abi.......

UEFA met and decided that 2 English clubs must not play champions league final cos of sponsorship so they put a doctor of madmen to referee the match especially since Drogba is on the field (did you see Drogba's reaction)......i did not say Drogba is mad oooo.

Rivers State governor will pick the players to play against Tunisia since FG has set up a high power panel to ensure we go to the world cup..........really that is very important

Nigeria oh Nigeria...We re back.....part 1

2009-05-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

So sorry to have been away so long.........
Yar'adua no longer in purdah.....Did you notice Mr president is going out more and he even granted interviews. The enemies are put to shame that he can't go out.

The secret of how Dangote and Otedola enter Forbes list.....both of them accusing each other of playing the stock market....is it true that Dangote stayed in Otedola's house for 6 years, was he that broke....am still laughing over the allegations and counter allegations.....its number one comedy this year.

British MPs competing with Nigeria lawmakers.....It seems na everywhere dem dey steal or how is it that so many British MPs collected money for expenses that didn't make sense or doesn't exist, now they have given our lawmakers the excuse that corruption is everywhere.

Lobbying vs Bribing: We have been told that the trip to Ghana by lawmakers and the dollar sponsoring by oil company is not a bribe but lobbying....i need to do more English.

Elumelu is also a thief by EFCC.....We now know that its true that it takes a thief to catch a thief, that when Ndidi was shouting for power probe he dey do his own, not remembering that it is he without sin that should cast the first stone.

NCC, UBE, REA, NDIC ........who remain for Government, it seems EFCC is saying everybody is a thief ........ not only the governors, ministers, ribadu, el rufai but everybody.

Rebranding Nigeria......You can only rebrand what is a brand, so what is the Nigerian
brand....?

Two Biggest lessons from Ekiti election......If Fayemi rigged in his local government and Oni rigged in his own na 1-1 goaless draw, AC should keep quiet. You can't understand women, what is mama REC saying about conscience, I still can't interpret.

Men are bigger liars

2009-03-12T04:50:00.000-07:00

A survey online claim that men are bigger liars than women and that the most common lies by men include:
Nothing’s wrong, I am fine.
Nice to see you.
I don’t have cash on me.
I’ll give you a call.
I am on my way.
No your bum doesn’t look too fat in that.
I think this are the most common lies by white, but that naija people will include others such as husband claiming I am in a meeting or have work in the office, this line is not clear when we don’t want to take call, and I am in the go slow as an excuse for missing appointment for Lagos people…..Which other lie is very common?

Secret of reducing HIV prevalence; The Bauchi example

2009-03-12T03:34:00.000-07:00

The novel is one week one trouble, but in Bauchi its one month, one news, and a fantastic one at that.
It was the governor, supposedly spending a month allocation to marry his daughter’s age mate. We told people that they don’t understand the way of politicians. Like in the olden days you marry to protect yourself and what better way to make sure you are protected from EFCC and you are sure of a 2nd term than to be the president’s son in law. People are even carrying the rumour that the governor will soon be a double governor since he might be made the CBN governor.
Later was the religious riot, with all the funny reasons from church being converted to car park, truck blocking the road and people fighting over not finishing prayer on time.
The latest story is that the state government is partnering with an NGO action aid to reduce HIV prevalence by encouraging AIDS infected people to marry each other. The offer includes sponsoring the marriage and giving the couple a take off grant to start the new family. We are told 94 couples have already taken the offer. We are told that since both of the couple are already HIV positive it will reduce the spread of the disease to others. This is a little variation of the Yobe state‘s solution
Nice one Oga Isa Yuguda

Zain Group’s gain, Nigeria’s pain

2009-03-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

It has been in the news for some time but we at naija reports have not deem it newsworthy because we ask people what do you expect?
We have been asking that does anybody know any other big company that has changed ownership/name 5 times within his first 7 years? I think Guinness book of world record is not complete for omitting this achievement by the company that was initially christened Econet Nigeria and its now Zain. We feel the company is either jinxed, confused or some people are taking us for a ride. When the chairman of the board claimed that due to old age he must have forgotten some decisions taken involving billions I feel kind of funny.
The company we are told has not paid dividend in 8 years, I disagree. In Nigeria dividend are not paid like in other places that is why its only politicians that enjoy dividend of democracy and not the masses. Zain has been paying dividend to the people involved in the brand makeover. The billions spent on the change from Econet to Vodacom, billions to transform to vmobile, again to become celtel and finally to Zain, some people have been getting dividend.
Zain we are told has rented a building for 5 years at a cost that is more than what a competitor is paying to build something similar. Those same arabs make robinho the most expensive and highest paid player in England and was ready to spend 250 million dollars on kaka, so the way they think about money is different. The story is also that the board is renting the building from a board member so……
We are also told that the new owners are bringing in half baked arabs to replace the Nigerians. It’s a Nigeria syndrome, hope we noticed that they are even the only one among the GSM operator with a black CEO, we always feel that white is better.
When I direct my own film I swear Angel go be black and devil white……..

Let’s Implement Lagos Rent Control law

2009-03-10T23:32:00.000-07:00

Do you know there are standard rents for different kinds of accommodation in Lagos and to pay more might land someone in jail? Both the person paying and the person collecting are guilty.
Do you know that Baba landlord is not allowed under this law to increase the house rent by more than 20% every 3 years…..
Do you know that for most houses, landlord are not allowed legally to collect 2 years upfront payment, the maximum is 6 months for a new tenant and 3 months for an existing tenant.
Do you know that it’s a law that you should not pay more than 5% for legal fee for preparing your tenancy agreement and also not more than 5% as agency fee? A breach might lead to 2 years in jail.
The Lagos rent control law also seeks to protect a tenant from the landlord’s arbitrariness by saying the tenant can only lose his tenancy after due recovery procedures and processes are complied with, by the landlord.
We should campaign that this law, which full name is The Lagos State Rent Control and Recovery of Residential premises law of 1997 must be enforced in Lagos and copied all over the country.
Do you feel this is possible?

Ogbulafor thief, Anenih incompetence, but Action congress still misses it

2009-03-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

Vincent Ogbulafor the chairman of PDP acquired a cheap 400 million house in Asokoro and the action congress are screaming blue murder.
Haba the man is chairman of the biggest party in Africa and when did collecting money from politicians and aspiring office holders become a crime? Like PDP is saying AC should stop being petty and grow up. Its Uncle Vincent’s time, let him make his money.
The man is not a public office holder so he doesn’t need to declare his asset or tell the public how he makes his money.
We are also surprised that AC is calling for Anenih’s removal like anybody will listen to them or that their view or opinion matter. They are also basing the call on his incompetence like uncle Tony was appointed because of his competence to run NPA. We need to point out however that the comedians in AC have not pointed out a better way to solve the port congestion issue. They know all the ways that won’t work but they don’t know one single way that will work.
God will save us from these politicians.

Is Morgan Tsvangirai car crash an accident or CIA hit?

2009-03-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

Conspiracy theorists are at it again.
They are asking whether the accident that claimed Susan Tsvangirai and caused the new Zimbabwe prime minister to ‘flee’ to Botswana is really an accident. They are maintaining how come everybody was so sure so soon after the accident that the driver of the haulage truck was asleep at the wheel not drunk, not on the phone but asleep. They are claiming the story was a setup created even before the accident and the target was the Prime Minister though they are not sure even the independent investigation will reveal it.
The suspect for the assassination attempt include Robert Mugabe, whose visit to the hospital is being described as shedding crocodile tears., stalwart of the Zanu party who see Morgan as the only barrier to their continual dominance in power. Others are even mentioning that some people in the prime minister’s party now see him as a traitor for agreeing to the power sharing deal and enjoying the perks of office while some of the party activists are still languishing in jail and they are also pointing out that MDC people knows Morgan’s movement so they have the motive and they have the opportunity.
Some people are also pointing out that the haulage truck that crashed into the car belongs to a foreign aid group and that smells of CIA. Did Morgan disagree with the west, did he go back on his agreement with them because really it’s the western press that really started ‘the driver was asleep campaign’.

National Assembly Bastardize 2009 Budget

2009-03-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

Newspapers have carried the story that what the national assembly did to the budget is pure sabotage and the members should be tried for treason. Its alleged that the house bastardized the budget so much that the presidency could not recognize it, maybe that was what led to the controversy last week that the budget was missing.
The house reduced allocations for most core sectors and areas that affect the citizens.
For example the 5.1 billion naira that Government put in the budget to provide water for you and I was reduced to 2 billion, the 6.5 billion to finish the Gas project maybe we will generate a little electricity was slashed to a miserly 1.1 billion. What about the 3.5 billion that was budgeted to transmit electricity so maybe I will finally stop using PHCN as back up to my generator? It was deem too much and reduce to 800million.
With all the reduction surprisingly the total budget was not really reduced because while the house is saying I should do without such basic things as electricity and water, it has increased its own budget from 64 billion naira to 113billion naira. They need more money to buy cars for committee at funny prices and condition, more sitting g allowance, more millions to spend on stationery they never buy etc while you and I can keep on managing.
God dey

Is Goat a pet or a farm animal..US board rule on dwarf Nigeria goat

2009-03-06T04:21:00.000-08:00

According to news online, the south Milwaukee board of health voted unanimously that a dwarf Nigeria goat is a farm animal and not a pet. Based on the ruling the board is saying the goat must be removed from a home in the US. The health officers are however planning to give the owner time to find a new home for the goat.
The owner who is obviously very emotionally attached to his goat said "I understand. I have a pet. And I understand it's very difficult to not be able to keep that pet,"
I think the man should go to court since in America you can even get to supreme court over whether a goat is a pet or a far animal....
Really is a goat a pet or a farm animal, cos growing up we use to have many of them living in the house , so if its not a pet I think a Nigeria goat is not a farm animal but a house animal, what do you feel.

Police Stories 3...Didn't Inspector General Mike Okiro says bail is free?

2009-03-06T03:17:00.000-08:00

I love Nigeria Police men, they are very innovative when it comes to making money.
The Inspector General is always fond of singing that bail is free but let me tell you from two experience how free is bail.
Experience 1: Police invited two of my people for a meeting over an unfounded an allegation. After the meeting they were told they cannot go except sombody signed bail. On the bail form it was written that bail is free that you should sign that you have not paid money for the bail and really as at then they did not request for money at all for the bail.
AFTER submitting the form, they refused to release my guy that no DCO to authorize. We were later told to get real that we either drop money or my people have to wait for DCO, that only Okiro think that bail is free, that if bail is free DCO signature is not free.
Experience 2: The court granted bail to two babes with the normal terminology that the surety must have a verifiable address. The police said that for them to confirm the address of the guarantor we will need to pay, if not the police will lock the babes up. Bail is free but to verify the bail is not free.
Oga Okiro is bail free?

Senate fine Rilwan Lukman, Petroleum Minister

2009-03-05T06:09:00.000-08:00

The minister of petroleum was given a fine by the senate committee earlier in the week. He was fined a whole four thousand naira for refusing to honour four invitations of the national assembly. At that rate I can afford to miss a hundred.
I remember some foreigners were fined 1 million naira each for stealing a whole shipload of crude oil......I think that is why oil bunkering is good business, the risk is very minimal.
Lucky Igbiniedon is so lucky that he was fined 3.5 million naira after stealing billions, and we ask why politician steal.
The most ridiculous however is still Salisu Buhari. He disgraced the whole country by lying about his age and academic credential to become Mr Speaker, the number four cuitizen of this country. I am sure the guy was shocked and confused when told he was to pay 2000 naira. He will be wondering whether the judge is joking.
That is why I love naija too much.....

Senators, Representatives and academic qualifications.

2009-03-04T04:40:00.000-08:00

It was Governor Suswan of Benue state that started it all when he implied that the poor quality of debate in the house of representative was due to the level of education of the members.
He has apologized that he did not plan to insult the house but fact is sacred.
A survey by Thisday newspaper shows that its not only in age and maturity that the senate is the upper house but also in education. It will explain a lot of the house behavior including the fight that we must have 2 chairmen to write a new constitution.
Almost 25 % of the senate have a 2nd degree and none have less than a professionional certificate with most having first degree or HND, while the record of 2 cannot be confirmed.
In the house we have a lot of people claming to have WAEC/SSCE/NECO, we are not even sure they passed and not that it was when they were coming to the house they organized a certificate. A large number also have OND and funny diplomas.
The most funny is the number of not available, which I think might be a mistake. The NA probably means not applicable that education is not applicable to most of them. So the next time you feel the house is misbehaving or not making sense, just know it’s the level of education.

Nigeria in Guinness Book of World Records

2009-03-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

It’s now official that Akwa Ibom state broke the world record for organizing the largest collection of choral singers. The 9300 strong choir that performed in Uyo during the last yuletide season were drawn from the 31 local government of the state with each local government contributing 310 choristers each. The former record was set by a group of 7514 carol singers at Bob Jones University, South Carolina, USA.
Other references to Nigeria include the Dafionne Family as the family with the highest number of accountants and also winners chapel's faith tabernacle as the world largest church building.

The options before Buhari and Atiku

2009-03-02T21:56:00.000-08:00

Two different newspapers over the weekend carried stories that both Mohammad Buhari and Abubakar Atiku are considering their options in respect to their presidential ambitions.
Buhari considering that he lost at the Supreme Court in a slim 4-3 margin, feels he should still give it one more try, that the final judge might vote for him this time even if he doesn’t win at the electoral box. He feels he has three options one for each of the Supreme Court judges that supported him. He can stay in ANPP, move with his supporters to another party or form a new party. We will advise unless there is a coalition of opposition parties to form a mega party he should just retire home.
Atiku we are told has 2 options, return to the PDP or…. We are not told the 2nd option but we feel like the single supreme judge that voted for him……. Atiku has only one option, go back to PDP. He is almost ostracize in AC, he cant even deliver his state like Orji kalu pointed out and he needs PDP probably more than PDP needs him.......what do you feel

Peter Obi is naïve, unserious etc…..

2009-03-02T09:04:00.000-08:00

Head, Alliance for credible election, Emma Ezeazu has described Anambra state governor Peter Obi as an unserious man. He described as a sign of Obi’s naivety, the governor’s statement that we should hire Ghanaian electoral umpire, to come and conduct the Anambra state election in 2010.
Obi has said that if Ghana’s electoral referee conducts the forthcoming election in his state he will win. If Orji can win in Abia and Ohakim in Imo, Peter Obi does not need a foreigner to conduct election before he can win. He should deliver the dividends of democracy.

JTF Kills Bayelsa Helicopters attackers

2009-03-02T09:02:00.000-08:00

Six suspected militants who allegedly shot at a helicopter on Wednesday were killed on Thursday by men of the Joint Millitary task force. The head of the militant gang Godswill Ibralayu aka Kitikata escaped with injuries.
This gang is supposedly responsible for the killing of 3 soldiers in Nembe last year.
This quick response by the JTF shows that the Nigerian army like his brother the police can perform when they want to perform. It also confirms that they know the criminals and will go after them if they want to.

Apology to Ibrahim Geidam, Yobe state governor

2009-03-02T06:41:00.000-08:00

The crew at naijareports apologizes to the executive governor Yobe state, for mistakenly omitting him from the list of nominees for the month of February.
Alhaji Ibrahim Geidem in a single policy tackled 3 important issues.
The whole world is in an economic recession and facing a credit crunch, he decides to tackle it with his own stimuli. The policy also tackles the health crisis by providing a solution to the HIV epidemic. Thirdly the policy rebrands the state, and also helps more of the indigene to behave better and probably enter paradise.
The governor of Yobe state for deciding to sponsor marriages at the Damaturu central mosque (in a secular society) so that more people will be able to get married and reduce waywardness is not only a nominee for our comedian of the month but the winner.
Keep it up gov

Police stories Part 2……A journalist experience

2009-03-01T22:35:00.000-08:00

A journalist Lanre Alfred narrates how he was attacked supposedly by armed robbers dressed in police uniform. They beat him black and blue, threatened to kill him, damage his car, collect his money, wrist watch, laptop and other personal belongings and finally let him go. Let’s allow Uncle Lanre to finish his story, after he got into his car and fled…..
‘…..The next police check I got to was behind the prestigious Sheraton hotel, I told the police about my ordeal, all what they could tell me was to go and bring the yobbos (robbers) that they would arrest them, very funny…….’
Oga lanre, just thank your luck the police men were in a good mood or they would have arrested you for being a public nuisance, giving false information, being negligent or joint commission etc.

The Nigerian Dream

2009-03-01T22:32:00.000-08:00

If we have a Nigerian dream like the American dream, what will be involved for a naija man to be successful? What does a youth need to do to achieve the naija dream?

I was told a long time ago to be rich you work for it, steal it, win a lottery, inherit it or marry it.

A newspaper over the weekend carried this survey about Naija youths and how they plan to achieve the naija dream.

40% believe fraud (yahooze), looting of government funds is the easiest way to wealth.
25% believe that traveling abroad for greener pastures.
20% believe education is the easiest way. Employment after schooling.
10% believe starting out as an entrepreneur mostly trading is the easiest.
5% believe in others.

What do you believe is the way to the naija dream, especially since most rich girls only marry rich boys.

Comedian of the Month

2009-03-01T22:30:00.000-08:00

1. President Yaradua for his solution to the economic recession. Cut salary by 10% while allowing more corruption and the country will move forward, I will nominate him for a Nobel award in economics.
2. Ojo Madueke, Foreign Affair Minister ; the man has always been an entertainer extraordinaire. I hope we can still remember his bicycle incident but this month he surpasses himself.
Starting with him and his ambassador to US rubbishing the country by making public what should have been confidential. In most countries the ambassador will have left for personal reasons or health grounds. Madueke has won and Nigeria is the laughing stock of all western press. He also claimed that the witch children of Eket never happened that the parents and kids must have been paid. Is the guy real?
3. Ibrahim Lame, Police Minister. We thought the man cannot be better than last month, but by claiming that police are performing beyond expectation he broke all records. We are still wondering whether one of the reasons he was appointed minister is his sense of humor. I can just imagine him sitting beside Madueke during FEC meeting.
4. IBB…The maradona did not get the dribble right this time around. He claimed on Moment with Mo that he annulled June 12 to prevent future coup. Haba when Abacha took over from Shonekan a few months after, what was that?
5. Farida Waziri, EFCC chairman revealing that south west governor did not come to EFCC programme because they are not against corruption. We all know before that politicians in Naija are not against corruption but they did not come because they don’t take you and the new EFCC serious.

Police Stories: Part 1

2009-03-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

I was in a police station and later court yesterday and it was fun, I don't think Opa williams or Ali baba can organize a better show, A guy was charged for being a public nuisance, wandering by another name, even the judge was like he thought police no longer charge people for such, A guy was charge for dishonestly receiving stolen goods because he bought a land from people who stole the original document, A guy is charged for collecting money from a babe to get him a house, the guy is claiming that they were lovers and the girl is just angry he no marry am, that he is not an estate agent etc, I learnt the two difference between police bail and court bail and how the police make money from both, Share with us your experience with the police, hopefully the funny ones not the tragic

Busy Body; Alaafin Adeyemi takes Ooni Sijuade to the cleaners

2009-02-24T07:00:00.000-08:00

Naija reporters earlier in the year warned the Ooni of Ife, Oba Okunade Sijuade against getting involved in the war among the royal father in Oyo state.
Our prediction have come true as the Alafin’s boys have taken the Ooni to the cleaners claiming that he is a chronic busy body, a dry fish that cannot bend so he cannot learn. They claimed in the past that the Egba, Ijebu, Yewa, Lagos etc have all told him to mind his business but that since Ooni’s problem is inherent and in his genes he cannot learn or change.
They also told him he is consistently inconsistent about his own history which he doesn’t even know. Are they calling him a bastard? How can they claim he doesn’t know his history?
The war has just started…

State Creation: Do we really need more

2009-02-23T22:03:00.000-08:00

We used to have 3, later it became 4, increased by 300% to 12, and people still wanted more. It became 19, later 21, we increased it to 30 and its now 36 but the agitation for more states never ends.
People are asking for such states as Katagun, Apa, Shira, Adada, Equity, Orlu, Aba, Ogoni, Ugwuka, Tiga, Gari,Savannah, Njaba Remo-Jebu, Anioma, Obigbo, Ibadan Kaduna south and even Oduduwa and Equity.
Let me use three of the names, Equity, Gari and Apa to explain my view, to have ‘Equity’ (just imagine a state with a name like that) my father's house must be given a state of its own, and you know its all about ‘Gari’ we are all fighting about what we are going to eat. Finally most of the agitators are just ‘Apa’, wasters who just want to waste the country’s scarce resources to pay more public office holders than to develop the country.
Create more states so I can get my own share of the national cake.

The Ojo Madueke-Oluwole Rotimi Face-off

2009-02-23T08:33:00.001-08:00

We have narrowed down the fight between the foreign affairs minister and the ambassador to the US to an ethnic issue. The ambassador called the minister a tribalist and abused Biafra… end of story.
The senate has however decided to find out how Nigeria became the laughing stock of the international diplomatic circle. What led to the issue? Is it the Obama inauguration, fight over money or does Madueke have his own candidate for the US office all along? Is it true that the fight is not a new thing but everybody in the US consulate and the foreign affairs ministry was aware of it all along?
Is the ambassador being quoted out of context and who leak the letters/memo to the world? What were they trying to achieve? In most countries, the ambassador might have been recalled but few if any will reveal such memo to the press. You don’t disgrace the country ….Anty Dora this is a re-branding we don’t need.

Ribadu takes naija reporters’ advice

2009-02-23T07:42:00.000-08:00

An unconfirmed report says that Nuhu Ribadu is set to reveal all. The enfant terrible and most wanted man in Nigeria at the moment we are told is planning to release 2 books into the market before the end of the year. Remember we advised him to publish and even volunteer to represent him free of charge.
The first book is titled ‘The problem of corruption in Africa: The Nigeria experience’. It is Ribadu trying to be philosophical, trying to find a solution to the problem of corruption. The essay or book will not be of much interest in Nigeria cos we are not sure anything but God can save us.
The second book is untitled yet but we can tell you its going to be a blockbuster because it will reveal all., Odili, Ibori, Tinubu, Obasanjo, Atiku , Balogun, Adenuga etc. Lawyers are going to make money as people head to court to stop the books and to claim damages, newspapers will make money because we will have enough advertorial explaining the issues involved. We won’t be surprised if the book get on Times bestseller list or wins an award
Ribadu’s colleague in school, the Kenyan John Githongo earlier today released his own book ‘OUR TURN TO EAT’ about his experience in Kenya. Can people suggest title for Nuhu Ribadu so that we wont have any delay of the release.
Oga Nuhu, since you are not giving us the marketing right of the book, what of the movie right? The documentary/film will definitely win an Oscar.

When Abubakar Atiku abused Orji Kalu.

2009-02-23T05:08:00.000-08:00

In my village they will say that abuses finish in the house of its owner. It was Orji Kalu that went to look for trouble by repeating what everybody has been saying and know all along that Abubakar Atiku is not principled or that he betrayed some of his supposedly supporters by his visit to Obasanjo. It was nothing new, just Orji trying to be relevant and telling Nigeria he is still alive, but he got more than he bargained for.
‘He is a liability and not an asset to any serious person. It is a measure of how low this country has descended that a man standing trial for corruption should be going around with a swagger and maligning his elders in order to earn some political points’…Round 1
‘As someone who occasionally suffers from memory loss and deliberately distorts history to suits his selfish motives’……..Round 2
‘Blinded by his own ambition and the delusion that the presidency of Nigeria is open to just anyone with money and sufficient rascality’……Round 3
‘Grow up because a man nearing 50 should not continue to play the jester, in case he does not know this, few people take him seriously in this country’………Round $
Let’s stop, but if your friend describes you this way Uncle Kalu, how will your enemies. I expect a reaction from your side as this abuse is just too much.

American Billionaire targets UBA, Diamond Bank.

2009-02-22T23:11:00.000-08:00

Unconfirmed reports have claimed that the American billionaire, George Soros might be interested in taking over either UBA or Diamond Bank or both. UBA is one of the biggest banks in the country and Diamond was just declared the best bank in the country by Thisday newspaper.
Representative of his hedge funds were in the country earlier in the year and met with top management of both banks and also with the ministers of Finance Remi Babalola about investing in the country, especially with CBN claiming earlier that it will not allow foreigners to take over Nigeria’s Bank.
It is believed that the share prices of most banks make them an investment delight and a report last week described Nigeria as one of best 2 countries for Foreign investment in Africa at the moment.

Why they are fighting in Bauchi……

2009-02-22T22:04:00.000-08:00

We have different stories about all the riots in Bauchi and they all seem impossible.
The first story is that two Islamic sects were fighting over the use of the mosque. A sect did not finish on time so a quarrel started and the mosque was set ablaze. Other Muslims not knowing who set the mosque on fire started rioting.
Another is that some Muslims politely requested the use of a church compound to park their cars which was not granted. Can you imagine such an affront, so an argument ensued and because the church was not converted to a car park it was burnt, life and properties were lost.
Another is that a truck broke down between a church and a mosque and the Muslims assumed that the Christians intentionally set up a barricade to disturb them from going for Friday prayers and before you can say Jack Robinson….
Nobody has told me any reason that makes sense, a reason that the riot will be worth it….We need prayers in this country.

Nigeria wins more awards in the UK

2009-02-22T22:01:00.000-08:00

A few weeks after we spoke about Nigeria’s stock exchange winning award for free fall, and Nigeria being the world leader in polio, we have discovered two other areas we are setting the pace in UK.
Nigeria has the 3rd highest no of foreign Student in UK universities. First and second are China and India and everybody knows those 2 countries are just too many, I still can’t imagine population in billions. We are investigating whether our own schools are that bad, we don’t have enough universities, we have plenty of money cos those schools are expensive or is just we like anything foreign.
The 2nd award is that we have the 2nd highest no of foreign prisoners in UK cells. We are told that Jamaica is the only country ahead of us. Unconfirmed report is that the number is that high because every black foreigner arrested is assumed or claimed to be a Naija.
So if you have anybody in UK you can’t trace, he is probably in University or in Prison.

Did Sir Alex Ferguson fix the match?

2009-02-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

If Sir Ferguson is a Nigerian by now allegation of bribe or match fixing will be all over the place after Saturday’s match between Manchester United and Blackburn Rovers.
Two players have started all 14 premiership clean sheet by Manchester United, Dutchman Edwin Van Der Sar and Serb Emmanuel Vidic. Suddenly on Saturday Vidic was on the bench and Edwin was not even listed at all. Vidic was already going to miss the match against Inter midweek so he does not need the rest on Saturday.
Some people must made a killing , betting that Man U will concede on Saturday and we are still wondering why Sir Alex allowed it.

Ribadu goes to school

2009-02-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

Most of us growing up enjoyed the storybook Akin goes to school and Eze goes to school. Recently it was El rufai goes to school but we have now confirmed that the latest is Ribadu goes to school.
Erstwhile EFCC chairman, has disproved our claim that he must be hiding in Adamawa as it is authoritative that he is a post graduate student in Oxford University. Ribadu who already has a masters in law is doing a research on effective anti corruption agencies.
One of his colleagues in school is the Kenyan, former Anti corruption crusader John Githongo, who is releasing his book ‘Its Our Turn to Eat. The book is detailing his discovery of the corruption in Kenya.
Like we pointed out earlier about the similarity between Ribadu and Elrufai, both of them are also doing postgraduate courses in Oxford and Havard at the same time. Is it in the genes or do they just like copying each other ?

US behind attack on Equatorial Guinea……MEND

2009-02-22T21:37:00.000-08:00

The movement for the emancipation of Niger delta MEND has revealed that the attack on Equatorial Guinea was a ploy by the US government to sow fear so that African countries might support the idea of AFRICOM. This has not disproved the claim by the Equatorial Guinea government that the attack was conducted by militants from the Niger delta. Mends revelation is just about the sponsor and the rationale behind the attack.
The Nigerian Government has however come out to say it is not a party to the attack, and also pointed out that external party and or Niger delta militants might be involved.
US has however described the allegation as unfounded, inaccurate, amazing and baseless. It has been pointed out that Pakistan initially denied that its citizens were involved in the Mumbai attack. We agree that it might be inaccurate but America has done such in the past so it cannot be baseless, amazing and unfounded….Time will reveal the truth.

Can a Nigeria police refuse bribe?

2009-02-16T07:27:00.000-08:00

“It’s the image of a lone police man I hold on to. He is chubby, affable ands wearing an helmet. When he stopped us in Edo state or shortly before we left Ondo state, Okey exhausted from all the checkpoint made to give him 200 naira, but he refused. He asked for our car papers, looked at them carefully, says that everything is completes and he adds ‘safe journey’. As we drove away I looked back wishing I knew his name” Chimanmanda Ngozi Adichie…..
You can’t know his name because he doesn’t exist. He is a mirage, a production of your fertile imagination. The only way Mike Okiro will believe your story is that you saw an angel dressed as a policeman, showing us what can be.
As at today, if a Nigeria policeman refuses bribe, don’t turn your back on him so you won’t be a victim of accidental discharge.

Two best business/investment in Niger Delta

2009-02-16T03:02:00.000-08:00

The 2 best businesses you can be involved in at the moment is Oil bunkering or kidnapping.
If its true that on the average 150, 000 barrel of oil is stolen per day, the value of oil stolen last year is 6.3 billion dollars. Just imagine if you can control 1% of that industry.
Also imagine if you can pick the daughter of a house of rep member and demand for a 100 million……calculate the number of honorables and senators from the Niger delta, ministers and former ministers, etc…….
If not that I dey fear I will just set up an oil bunkering and kidnapping outfit......

I know Bola Ige’s killer….Wole Soyinka

2009-02-16T03:00:00.000-08:00

Nobel laureate, Wole Soyinka has revealed exclusively to Next newspaper that he knows the murderer of the late attorney General Bola ige. He said ‘we are convinced that we know who the killer is. In fact I will go as far as to say that one of those who inspired the killing is dead’
He also described the new love affair between Atiku and Obasnjo as a marriage made in hell.
Uncle Kongi, please tell us the killers before they all die, or before you die and we may never know what really happened and why has the police not invited you to tell them your story.

Globacom should change phone number.

2009-02-15T23:05:00.000-08:00

Glo should have used 0804 and not 0805 so that the 080419 range of numbers would have been glo numbers……….
Sometime ago Consumer Protection Commission was after cocacola over their promotion that it’s a scam, but surprisingly they never complained about globacom. A few years ago glo was distributing houses; i am still trying to find out who won.
Last year they promised to distribute 500 cars in 5 months, 14 months later they are still advertising 310 cars to go…….the rate they are going it will take them another 2 years to finish the promo….ole barawo

Man of the Year

2009-02-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

Sun newspaper was on AIT yesterday celebrating former NLC president and Edo state Governor Adams Oshiomole as Man of the year 2008.
I have nothing against comrade oshiomole, but I keep on asking, based on what criteria was he chosen, except that the award was being organized by his friends, we all know who is the owner of Sun Newspaper.
I know we don’t have heroes in Nigeria but even picking a Samson Siasia would have been better at least he almost won Olympic Gold and was picked as one of the best coaches in the world. Last week I was still reading about D banj being chosen as Future award person of the year, a role model for our youth to emulate, ‘God Forbid’, and I am like even America with all his show business wont do that. If we can say that the organizers of future award are affected by youth, what is affecting The sun, what they will eat won’t let them know better?
Somebody just pointed out that I don’t buy The Sun that I always say they are too unserious, so I should just see the award as another comedy show from some unserious people…… its bad comedy.

With laughter from Lagos house of assembly

2009-02-13T08:02:00.001-08:00

Two funny stories are coming from the Lagos state House of assembly this week.
PM news said the first Lady advised all the members to take HIV/AIDS test. Haba!! why expose yourself? It's like asking a politician aspiring for an office in Nigeria to take a lie detector test.
I challenge them to take the test, if half pass I go change my name say no be my papa born me.
The 2nd news from daily independent is that a student impersonated a lawmaker to another lawmaker. I wondered how possible it was until I was told that most of them are absentee lawmakers and when they are around, they don't contribute so how will they know each other.

I born in the wrong country'.....father of Quadruplet.

2009-02-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

Unconfirmed reports says that Mr. Odebunmi Ismaila whose wife gave birth to 4 babies, is on the run because he gave birth in the wrong country.
They are also pointing out that if he gave birth in America he will probably be supported by the government and will not need to run.
We hope that at least, UCH officials or Oyo state government will foot the medical bills.

Best and Worst Bank to Deposit your money

2009-02-12T01:40:00.000-08:00

CBN have finally said all banks must report how much interest they will pay on deposit and will collect on loans. We all know most of them might not give us loans and they will always add hidden charges, so what really concern us is how much they will pay on our deposit. Remember what they are giving is average, you can get more or less depending on amount, tenor, negotiating ability, etc.

The best 4 banks according to the January list are....
1.GT Bank 16%
2.Access Bank 15.5%
3.Ecobank 15%
4.Intercontinental bank 14.80%

The worst 4 Banks are......
1.United Bank for Africa
2.Standard Chartered
3.Spring Bank
4.Oceanic Bank

First Bank, Stanbic IBTC, Unity Bank and Zenith are not part of the report because what CBN reported for them is a range and not an average. Our own calculation of the average from that range however does not place them in either among the best or worst four.

Four ways to catch terrorist or criminals at the Airport

2009-02-12T01:33:00.000-08:00

Since prevention is better than cure, its better to catch terrorist or criminals at the ports before they enter your country. Imagine if India has captured the terrorist before they enter we will not have had the Mumbai bloodshed.

Guardian newspaper has finally enlightened us on how master spies are stopping evil people before they enter and strike and here are four of them

1.Watch out for that country, name or religion…….If he is a Nigerian check him again for drug, suspect he is a 419..etc. If his name resembles Osama unless its Obama, he might be planning to hijack a plane, if he ia a Muslim, Pakistani etc…..
2.Compare his passport picture to his face…..It must resemble him, if not he is an amateur criminal just deport him, but in case he looks younger in the passport, don’t consider people look older five years after taking a picture, he must be a criminal.
3.He is shaking or sweating……If the man in front of you is sweating or shaking, don’t believe he is reacting to the change in weather, he is either carrying a deadly contagious flu or disease or he is a master criminal who cant control himself and is scared. You are a loser in both circumstances.
4.Check his bag…..For example if he is coming to the Caribbean and New Zealand and is not packing short, he must be a terrorist……..

Tell me others from your experience

INEC is bankrupt

2009-02-09T06:17:00.000-08:00

We have finally confirmed Maurice Iwu’s claim that INEC is short of cash.

EFCC revealed that he is investigating three directors of INEC for a fraud of 100 million. In the good old days when INEC was INEC, in the days of Akanni, Inec Directors do business of hundreds of millions not 3 of them doing a hundred million.

INEC has come out to say none of their staff has been arrested by EFFC. We all know how EFCC works most of the time. They invite you to a meeting, you write statement and they ask you to get somebody to bail you. You have not been arrested yet, you just came for a meeting, but when I go for meetings I don’t write statement and I don’t get anybody to sign for me before I can go home.

Why Polio eradication cannot succeed in Nigeria

2009-02-09T06:08:00.000-08:00

Investigations have shown that Polio eradication in Nigeria is a mirage.

Firstly, it is a poor man’s disease. The rich get vaccinated so its only the children of the poor that get paralyzed and in naija nobody cares for the poor unless you can make money from it.

Secondly it has been politicized. Politicians have said it’s a way to reduce the population of the north to give advantage to the south and people don’t change belief in Nigeria easily.

Thirdly, religion has been added to the brew. It’s a campaign by the western Christian so until Saudi Arabia sponsor an eradication project, people won’t believe it.

Lastly, our leaders are……. India President launched the eradication project, Pakistan Prime minister flagged off the project, where is Umar and Jonathan? We could not find Mark and Bankole. Until the political, spiritual and traditional leaders support the initiative, Nigeria will be the last stronghold of Polio in the world.

More reasons we don’t have electricity..

2009-02-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

More reasons have emerged why we don’t have stable electricity in Nigeria.

The chairman of Nigeria Electricity Regulation council and his commissioners are currently facing fraud charge. We all know before that they are thieves but with the 100 million naira allowance NEPA or PHCN cannot work no matter the change of name. I was thinking of contesting for office before but if its possible to get such allowance I think I just prefer appointment.

They are not only thieves but dull ones, what is the commissioner doing with the certificate for 500 million is his name in his possession…audit trail?

Calculating Ransom in the Niger Delta

2009-02-09T06:02:00.000-08:00

The wife of former petroleum minister and royal father Daukoru has been free for 10 million naira.
Contrary to earlier demand of withdrawal of troop from Nembeland, the kidnappers have as usual collected cash and released their victim.
This freedom fighter ala elder statesman and Ijaw leader Clark, also released a young son of an oil worker who was earlier kidnapped and his sister killed for 5 million naira ransom. If this is freedom fighting its better not to be free.

We have put together an expert team who will derive a formula to be used by this militia/freedom fighters to calculate ransom so everybody will agree on the worth of any hostage since its an everyday occurrence and everybody is at risk from commissioners to priest, from old grandfather to young boys.

Watch out on this page for the formula in the next few weeks

Lunatic attempt to Kidnap Governor

2009-02-09T05:49:00.000-08:00

Nigeria police have once again performed beyond expectation by arresting a madman that was involved in a kidnap attempt. The last time they arrested a goat in Ilorin when attempting to steal a car.

The police has paraded a gang including a lunatic in Yobe for attempting to exhume the body of the late governor. Speculations around town includes whether they are spare part dealers, opponent of the late governor or ritualist …….

Unconfirmed report has however confirmed to us that the plan was to kidnap and hold the body for ransom. In Yobe they have decided to catch the kidnap bug but want to start kidnapping dead bodies.

Malaria vaccine on the way soon…….Bill Gates

2009-02-09T05:47:00.000-08:00

Bill Gates has revealed in Nigeria that vaccine is on the way for a few more diseases especially malaria fever. This has however caused a lot of debates with Nigerians asking whether the vaccine will be for all or will be for whites alone as malaria affects both of them differently. It’s a common disease like flu to a black man but a deadly plague to the whites.
They are also asking what kind of mosquito is being used for the research, because some mosquitoes are now Baygon (insecticide) proof

The discovery of a cure for diabetes this week, the eradication of smallpox and the near eradication of polio is giving us hope that if anybody can help in getting a vaccine for malaria Bill Gates can.

Oruma is a ‘one album musician’ ……LOC

2009-02-09T04:38:00.000-08:00

Sources within Nigeria 99 LOC have explained their rationale behind choosing Kanu Nwakwo instead of Wilson Oruma as ambassador.

“You know some musician are one album star, they make one album and then fizzle out, what has Oruma achieved since 1993, can you compared it to Kanu, lets sell something that is sellable’’

Kanu won Dutch league and champion’s league with Ajax, FA and premiership with Arsenal, scored the winning goal last year for Portsmouth to win the FA….he doesn’t need us to brand him, he is a brand already, that is why you will see him in advert for corporate organization, not because he is a fine boy….

Oga Oruma, really I think they have a point unless you can prove otherwise, the ball is in your court……..

Four top exports by Nigeria.

2009-02-09T02:07:00.000-08:00

In the year after independent, Nigeria was a top exporter of such products as Cocoa from the south west, Palm from the East and Groundnut from the north. W e also exported coal from Enugu and tin from Jos, Later we became a mono product economy basically exporting only oil.

In the last few years we have tried to diversify the economy by creating more produce to export abroad and the top four are..
1.Petroleum…..We are one of the top 10 in the world
2.Polio virus…..According to the WHO, we are now no 1 in the world.
3.Prostitutes…..Talk to the Italian police.
4.Pastors…We pastor the biggest church in England Ukraine etc
This is closely followed by 419, every comedian in America now joke about Nigeria spam emails and Nollywood films although this is predominantly to Africans in Diaspora.

Bill Gates’s mosquitoes from Nigeria?

2009-02-09T01:55:00.000-08:00

Earlier last week Bill Gates was in Nigeria as part of his foundation effort to eradicate Polio world wide. We are aware he was presented with many gifts by the government and people of the country to show our appreciation.

Later in the week during a conference in America we were told he released mosquitoes into the crowd so that rich American can really experience it. We have been told that those mosquitoes are malaria free although Nigerians don’t understand malaria free mosquitoes or believe it.

The story however is that those mosquitoes released in America are from Nigeria, so even if you have not been to USA, a mosquito that bites you might have taken your blood to Obama’s country.

The many sins of El Rufai……

2009-02-09T01:54:00.000-08:00

El Rufai’s crimes are not the allocations at the last hour, that is done everywhere, even America president dash out pardons at the last moment like its going out of business. Why is he the only guilty minister of FCT? Even Smart Adeyemi has to remind senators to fear God.

The number one sin is that he reminds people too much of Ribadu. I wonder who played outside whether it was Pa Ribadu or Pa Rufai but one did because they must be half brothers. To remind people of Ribadu is an unforgivable sin.

Sin number two is his stature. I think the man is too short and wiry. We have this notion that a short man is a bad and dangerous man, they cause most of the world’s trouble, and nobody trusts a lean man.

Sin number three is that he talks too much. Even if senators ask you for bribe why tell people? If they are not making sense or being childish you are supposed to smile and not point it out. You don’t need to tell people you are right all the time.

Sin no four is that he was a mad man. Only a mad man is over zealous in Nigeria. What concerns El Rufai and Abuja master plan, even if we build hotels in green areas and build mansions on drainages, why was he working like it was his father’s business, Nigerians don’t want it, don’t deserve it and don’t appreciate it.

I still feel the problem is its in his Genes. He must be Ribadu’s half brother, because Ribadu is guilty of all these crimes too.

UK steals Abacha’s loot

2009-02-09T01:48:00.000-08:00

The Kenyan government alleged last week that the English law is fashioned in a way to help their people to steal.
The British government has now told Nigeria that to give us back our money we must first restructure our own EFCC and COURT to their own satisfaction. Instead of sanctioning their people who were involved in laundering and returning the money to the rightful owner, the British government is doing what naija people will call bold face.

International diplomats have however advised Nigeria to exercise patience since we all know that there is credit crunch and economic recession……meaning oyibo is broke and need the money more than us at the moment.

Etim Esin’s Day…The public holiday that never was.

2009-02-09T01:44:00.000-08:00

Nigeria has added May 29 as democracy day to list of public holidays and AD southwest governors played with idea of adding June 12.

Etim Esin in his war of words with Austin Jay Jay Okocha has just revealed that IBB was so much in love with him that he almost declared a public holiday when he was shot in 1987. The day would probably have been to pray for his healing or to praise God for keeping him and would have been Etm Esin’s day. I know we are football crazy but even Brazil doesn’t have a Pele day or Argentina a Maradona day.

Can somebody tell Uncle Etim that this is getting ridiculous, we are not interested in how much he bought his car or that his wife is traveling out…..story

Nigeria wins WHO’s Awards.

2009-02-09T01:34:00.000-08:00

Nigeria has won four awards from the world health Organization.

Firstly we are one out of four countries in the world with polio virus.

Secondly we are the only country outside Asia since the other 3 countries are India, Pakistan and Afghanistan. Since those countries also have problems with terrorist and islamist fundamentalist, we can now understand the Niger delta and Jos.

Thirdly Nigeria is the only country with all the 3 types of polio virus as we are the only one with type 2 virus. All the other countries have one or two types.

Finally Nigeria is the only country exporting polio virus. Nigeria Polio virus has been discovered in such places as Burkina Faso and Chad

HOUSE MEMBERS ARE IMMATURE, UNEDUCATED … Suswan.

2009-02-09T00:46:00.000-08:00

Benue state governor and a former house of rep member himself has described the members of the house of representative as immature, uneducated and pointed out that most of them cant make meaningful contribution to bills.

Reacting to a speech by the house speaker during the convocation of the university of Abuja, Suswan used style to tell the house to stop blaming military rule and the executive for their shortcomings and look inward and that since the qualification is secondary school certificate most of them are illiterates who don’t understand what the house is about and hence cannot contribute meaningfully to bills etc and are therefore led by the nose. He also points out that most of them are immature. He later advocated higher educational qualification.

The house has reconfirmed by answering that Suswan should not have told them the truth since he was a house member before he became a governor and that higher education will disenfranchise some Nigerians. We are recommending no need for education at all and maybe age limit should be reduced to 12.

Much ado about nothing ……The president’s vacation.

2009-02-08T23:22:00.000-08:00

The president is finally back, though from where we are not sure because we don’t know whether he left or where he went etc…..

We are still trying to find out who leaked the story of his leave and started the rumor that he was supposed to go abroad for treatment, maybe it was Bankole or Jonathan.

The senate could not agree whether he went on leave or was on vacation and Soyinka and Achebe refused to help us out to tell us the difference.

We were told that Mr. President did not transmit his absence, we did another long lecture on the meaning of transmit….

We did not know whether Goodluck was acting or vice president.

We could not decide whether he went for another honeymoon after all the love in the air during his daughter’s wedding, went for treatment or really January is the best time to read as told by Adeniyi.

Was he in Dodan barracks, did he reach Obudu at all or was he in Aso rock through out….

The question is, what is the difference?
When he was around nothing was happening, he was an invisible man, when he was supposedly away, we did not feel it, now that he is back, we will still be looking for him cos we cant see him….

Hence the whole fuss about the leave is much ado about nothing.

Footballers at War 2: Marseille Oruma Vs Portsmouth Kanu

2009-02-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

As Segun Odegbami and co are finally seeing reason with us and looking for an amicable resolution to the war between Austin Okocha and Etim Esin another war has started between Wilson Oruma and Kanu Nwankwo over the Nigeria 2009 project.

Oruma has accused Kanu and the LOC of trying to rewrite history by adding Kanu to Ugbade and Lukman as the ambassador for the forthcoming under 17 world cup. He said the other 2 footballers are captains of the 1985 and 2007 winning team and him as captain of the 1993 team should be the ambassador not Kanu.

Without saying so, he is implying Kanu shortchanged him and that means Kanu must have used his position as Super Eagle captain to collect what should rightfully be Oruma’s or maybe some cash changed hands……I think Bankole’s House or EFCC should quickly investigate.

House of reps 4 million naira Sallah/Xmas Bonus

2009-02-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

We are told the latest crisis in Bankole’s house of rep is over whether the 4million given to them in December is an overdraft or a bonus. We wonder why the people that collected the money (since we discovered it’s not everybody), will assume they are special so it should be a bonus, or maybe they assume that it should be converted into a bonus and the rest of the house should collect their own. This notion is supported by the complaint by members, that why is the house returning 2 billion naira unspent fund, when really that will have paid for the bonus and still leave about half a billion naira?

The house that has not yet explained the inflated committee cars that was bought last year despite collecting money under monetization for cars, the rumor that the fight over constitution review is over the money to be spent and are now saying bank’s loan should be converted to bonus; we need to check the meaning of honorable again….

Five Ways to score against Manchester United

2009-02-06T06:03:00.000-08:00

Manchester United is Premiership Champion, European champion, World Champion and we Nigerian supporters can't stop making fun of Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool supporters.

The latest is that we are on top of the premiership table with a match in hand and we have played 12 premiership matches without conceding a goal. A premiership record for both the club and that old man Edwin Van der Sar. We have changed the defense line so many times, Evra and Rio have been out, Raphael, Evans and the other teams can't just score a goal.

This Weekend we will be playing West ham in march 13 and people have said 13 is an unlucky number. Can West ham be lucky enough to score a goal, or what do they need to score a goal?

1.The referee can award them a penalty....that is even risky or not fool proof because Edwin can decide to catch it.
2.Ferguson should be given a red card early in the game or should not turn up at all cos of a cold. We believe the fear of Sir Alex is behind the clean sheet.
3.Gary Nevile decides to score an own goal. Maybe it will take a man u legend to score against us since the other teams are scared of scoring.
4.Sir Alex decides to use John O'shea as center back.......He might help to concede a penalty but like we said that doesn't guarantee a goal unless we use foster instead of Edwin.
5.Edwin must not play. Sir Alex can bench him, West ham can injure him, referee can give him red card etc. Vidic and co. have however prevented the old man from making one decent save in some matches so west ham might still not score.

Please tell me what do we do so somebody can score....tell me your view......

I prefer to leave HITV....Etim Esin.

2009-02-06T05:59:00.000-08:00

Etim Esin have reacted to his suspension by HITV by accusing his CEO Toyin Subair of conniving with Okocha to destroy him. Etim Esin at first claimed he was suing Okocha because of his image as an HITV analyst so as to protect the HITV brand. We are still trying to find out why Toyin and Jay Jay will be after brother Etim.
We are also investigating how was much was Okocha's Xmas gift, since Uncle Etim says its only 50, 000 and not 100,000. We also discovered from him that IBB is a lover of football and is always ready to dole out money to any former international, so other players should please take note.

We advised last week that this case will bring no good, we are still saying same.....Drop the case Uncle Etim.

Abuja University VC involved in arms trafficking?

2009-02-06T05:41:00.000-08:00

The police in Ekiti were accused of arms trafficking, now its the turn of Professor Nuhu Yaqub, the VC university of Abuja. PM news in a story claimed the VC and the university CSO sourced for four AK 47 rifles at the price of 850,000 for each one.

We are told that being a father himself the VC will go to any extent to secure his students life, but we hope he won't start buying tanks, bazooka, grenades etc without license soon.

We also need to find out who gave the approval since the university security committee have denied knowledge of the deal, who is the supplier because we cannot believed the story that the deal was done in a beer parlour and how come the rifles were that cheap ... sorry expensive?

125 billion dollar Fraud....playing with Bankole.

2009-02-06T05:36:00.000-08:00

It is possible that everybody have discovered that Mr Speaker Dimeji Bankole is easily excitable. It seems they feel he likes probes and, the bigger-the better.

A faceless organisation, Banking Ethics Organisation of Nigeria (BEON), in a petition to the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Dimeji Bankole, stated that over N14.625 trillion was lost by the country to corrupt practices of CBN and NNPC officials in collaboration with the foreign financial institutions that are managing the nation’s foreign reserves. The petition entitled: “Urgent Need for an Investigative Public Hearing on the Management of the Nigerian Foreign Reserves” to the Speaker was dated November 28, 2008.

Who are those in BEON, why have we not heard of them with all the ethical issues in Nigerian Banking system, how much did Nigeria make in the 5 years the group is claiming we loss 125 billion dollars?

We don't expect the house of reps to ask such questions, just get on AIT again and start another movie that is going nowhere........why is nobody nominating them for AMMA award?

The resurrection of Savannah Bank.

2009-02-06T05:27:00.000-08:00

Easter came early for Jim Nwobodo and other owners of Savannah Bank as the court of appeal ordered the reopening of Savannah bank. The CBN Governor, Prof. Chukwuma Soludo, at a public hearing organised by the Senate Committee of Banking, Currency and Financial Institutions, had said that “the case of Savannah Bank is like a man who is dead and buried”. The professor forgot that at easter the dead and buried always rose again.

The reopening of Savannah bank according to the court is because due process was not followed in the liquidation not that it was not supposed to be liquidated. We need to start doing things right and not just doing the right things in this country.

Melanye Is not making sense...Ndukwe, NCC chairman

2009-02-06T05:11:00.000-08:00

NCC chairman have wondered why Hon Melanye is screaming about 1.7 biilion tax holiday with the over 300 billion the country have made from the telecoms sector. He is implying that the honourable doesn't know the meaning of tax holiday or is just playing to the gallery.
Ndukwe said those he called “schemers” were bent on hijacking the NCC which was built from the scratch. “Now, the schemers want to come and take over and plunder the place,” he said.

He said he is discussing with his lawyer about pressing charges, but uncle, these boys are young, you have implied they are schemers and don't know what they are doing so why sue them...what will you gain?

How to know a child will be a star footballer...Emmanuel Adebayo's Fairytale

2009-02-06T04:46:00.000-08:00

Arsenal and Togo striker have finally revealed to us how it was discovered he will be a football star at the age of four.

He revealed how he was crippled and could not walk for the first four years of his life. His devoted mother, Alice criss crossed Africa looking for medical and spiritual solution for the young Emmanuel.

Emmanuel meaning 'God with us' finally landed with God in an undisclosed church having exhaust all other options. He was giving a week, that if God doesn't do it in that week, there is no more hope for him of ever walking talk less of running and playing football. The church started praying and the on the last day with the mother weeping somebody threw a ball inside the church and the lame young Emmanuel stood up and ran after the ball...it was a miracle.

Immediately it was obvious that he was one day going to be a football star. Today he is one of the nominees for African football biggest Awards.

I think Hollywood or Nollywood should be interested in the film rights.

National day of recanting.....SEC and CBN

2009-02-06T04:39:00.000-08:00

The security exchange commission and central bank of Nigerian have come out to retract the statement earlier credited to them.

SEC have earlier claimed that banks' chiefs stole money enriching themselves, banks have loss over 300 billion to stock brokers and that Government should take over SICK banks, banks are responsible for stocks collapse etc......SEC have come out to say that is not the position of the commission and not that its representative did not say so to Yar'adua.

CBN also said “To put the record straight and for the avoidance of doubt, we have carefully reviewed copies of all his presentations as well as the full transcripts of his public pronouncements on the matter, and can confirm that at no time has Professor Soludo said that the Nigerian economy is “IMMUNE” or “INSULATED” from the global crisis.” why are they just discovering that?

Etim Esin Lied.......Toyin Subair (HITV BOSS)

2009-02-06T04:28:00.000-08:00

Vanguard newspaper have carried the story that HITV have suspended sport analyst and former Nigeria International Etim Esin over the stolen phone case involving him and former Nigerian captain Jay Jay Okocha.

Toyin Subair said he had no other option than to suspend Etim Esin because he found out the truth.
“I found out that Okocha wasn’t the one that ordered Etim searched; I found out that Etim was not the only one searched. I found out that Okocha apologised to Etim and Okocha’s wife knelt down to apologise to Etim’s wife, gave her a kiss and everything calmed down and the party continued. Etim claimed that he was searched in the presence of his daughter who wanted to know what they were doing to her dad and Etim told her they were playing a Christmas game.

I found out that Etim’s daughter was upstairs playing with other kids when he was being searched and what Etim said wasn’t true. I found out that Okocha also gave Etim money as Christmas gift and the man probably went home happy only for him to surface later and change things. I found out the truth from Etim’s wife. When I found out the truth my body started shaking, I became scared of Etim and insisted he would have to retrace his steps otherwise he could do it to anybody including those of us on HITV. That’s why I asked him to apologise,” Subair said.

Police are performing beyond expectation...Police affairs minister.

2009-02-04T08:32:00.000-08:00

Every mother assumes her child is handsome and good, but I think our comedian of the month for January the police affair Minister, Ibrahim Lame stretched it a little bit...
I know we don't expect much from the police again but in a month that Falana sued them for arms trafficking in Ekiti, they started arresting goat in Kwara, accusation of rape in Lagos etc .... haba.
If the expectation is that bad, can we please dissolve the Nigeria police and start using civil defense corp?

Who is after Jang?

2009-02-04T08:30:00.000-08:00

The governor of Plateau state Jonah Jang claimed that they are after his life. He is claiming that after mercenaries from outside the state could not achieve the aim, his opponent have now gone to far away Sudan to employ some professional assassins who are supposed to trail him to America and kill him there. You might be wondering like me how he knew all the details.

I will however beg the president, Mantu and Dariye to make sure nothing happens to him because people might accuse them.

Valentine season

2009-02-04T02:55:00.000-08:00

Its a season of love that is why Obasanjo and Atiku can't sleep without talking to each other. We are told they went to Yar'adua's wedding in the same car. A year ago, to be at the wedding together we will need the United Nation's peace keeping force.
Ngige and Obi were accusing each other of not performing and telling lies, suddenly they are friends again, and Oshiomole just told us that he is a close pal of Osunbor after labeling him a thief weeks earlier.

I have discovered that valentine is already in the air and I won't be surprised if Osama host a dinner for Bush

Rat Bite Kill National Athlete in Warri.

2009-02-04T02:46:00.000-08:00

Like my brother will say...anything can happen in Warri
National compass newspaper reported today that former national athlete Vincent Oghene was bitten by rat on his toe over the weekend and died from the complication.
Some people are maintaining that it's out of the ordinary for a rat to bite one, talk less of dying from it.....that a rat is not a snake.

Bank Frauds Flu: Businessman duped Intercontinental 17.7 Billion.

2009-02-04T02:22:00.000-08:00

EFCC have revealed that the businessman involved in the 17.7 billion naira fraud involving intercontinental bank is no other than 'Chairman of Tanzila Petroleum Company, Alhaji Shehu Badamasi.

The oil magnate is being charged with criminal conspiracy, fraud, and diversion of credit facility of about N17.7 billion.
The billionaire businessman was said to have taken the funds from Intercontinental Bank between 2006 and 2008.'

We are told properties worth 3.5 billion have been recovered.

If you remember 6 staff of bank PHB were charged to court for another bank fraud of 17 billion naira last week in abuja and 2 staff of access bank were charged to court in Lagos for frauds of almost 100 million naira

Will you marry a Billionaire?

2009-02-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

Charity Maduka, wife of the Coscharis Billionaire have surprised all of us by claiming that if she have the opportunity she will marry her billionaire quiet Christian husband again.

Will you marry a poor man if you know he will become a billionaire in a few years?

Consider also the headache of being a billionaire's wife, other women chasing your husband, family disturbing you, you have enemies because people are envious, and the biggest one the stress of spending all that money.

Aishat Yar'adua refused to marry Governor

2009-02-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

Unconfirmed report alleged that Aishat the beautiful daughter of Umar and Turai Yaradua have refused to marry any governor and is set to marry her heartthrob- a multi-billionaire businessman Abdulrahman Musa Bashir. The young man is the CEO and owner of Rahamaniya group of companies. Watch out for Rahamaniya oil and gas which is already big and can only get bigger with the president as father-in-law. Abdulrahman's gain will be a loss for Fashola and Shekarau who had been earlier tipped to marry the delectable Aishat and maybe me also....lol

I love Nafisat Yar'adua...Abiodun Yuguda

2009-02-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

The second wife of Governor Isa Yuguda have assured us that Nafisat will have no trouble in the house.

Abiodun Yuguda told us that she loves all her husband's wife and that Nafisat will be specially welcomed into the house. We are however trying to reach the 3rd wife since she is the one been replaced as the belle, whether she also professes such love for the young Nafisat.

The only other issue we have not been able to clarify is that going forward who is going to be the first lady, a position currently occupied by the first wife.

Obama's brother arrested for drug

2009-02-02T07:36:00.000-08:00

George Obama, the half brother of the new American president have been arrested for drug related charges in Kenya. The police have said it's just for possession of illegal items and not for drug trafficking. The white house have refused to comment but we are not sure that they have not called the Kenyan Government on the issue since blood is thicker than water. The young man in his early 20's is training to be a mechanic and lives with relatives in Kenya.

Nigeria Megaland Owners

2009-02-02T07:29:00.000-08:00

We all know that the Oniru’s own plenty of land but we just discovered that the land use act can stop masses from owning land but not the big boys with political connections.
Okoya, Odogwu and Folawiyo are old money and have being involved in real estate for a long time. The new kids on the block include Cement magnate Dangote, Banker Jim Ovia, the oilman Femi Otedola, the coporate lawyer/businessman Babalakin, Globacom Adenuga, all friends of the government.

I never dated Idris Abdulkarem…Jumoke Alao

2009-02-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

Jumoke Alao, Presenter of Gbedu on AIT has declared that what she had with crooner Idris is no more than musician/presenter relationship and they never dated. I hope we wont start investigating musician/presenter relationship and who really dated who especially since Jummy is now engaged. Somebody just told me to mind my business so Jumoke, don’t have any relationship with Idris again oo so people wont misinterpret it.