Friday, January 30, 2009

Comedian of the month

The police minister and the inspector general are competing to be the comedian of the month since Ali baba and basketmouth have dropped out.
The minister said that police cannot go on strike, have they not done so before and that government will not condone any strike by the police. What will he do please?
The IG said any body that go on strike will be declared persona non grata, I think he needs to look at the meaning and what about if all of them decides to go on strike what will he do?

Banks new marketing strategy

One man's meat is another man's poison. What some people called marketing can be demarketing to other people. Like punch newspaper attribute to a confidential source in Diamond bank 'there was nothing wrong with banks trying to market themselves, adding that in any competitive environment, people operate in different ways to attract customers', I hope Soludo is not reading this.
Ecobank have however claimed she does not care about demarketing since he is an international bank and international banks don't go down, that is a new discovery. Afribank also claimed they are a big bank as if big banks have never crashed in Nigeria and abroad before and who is even deceiving them that they are big.

Oyo state lead in drug haul...NDLEA

According to NDLEA report, the single biggest seizure of drug last year was in Nigeria biggest city Ibadan. 80.54 tonnes of Indian hemp was recovered in two warehouses with a bullion van. We don't know whether the bullion van was being used to move the hemp or the money made from the sales of the hemp.
5,926 of the suspects caught were males while 274 were females, meaning that males are twenty times more likely to carry drugs or ladies are better couriers.

Sad Story from Benin

We can't believe the story from Benin that Local government chairmen are claiming they are being forced to paid 10million each per month for poverty alleviation. We agree with the governor that it's a laudable project but we do not think its constitutionally allowed for the state government to force the local government to release such fund. Comrade Adams need to know he is lno onger in NLC.
Congrats however on the resolution of the Ogbemudia car issue. The rumour however is that we are just doing it to appeal to the uromi chief and, what concerns uncle sam that somebody forgot to give Chief Oyegun his own car.

Worst in the world, Nigeria stock market finally come first

A report have ranked the Nigerian stock market as the worst in the world for the month of January. We were second in the world by middle of the month.

Business Monitor International which advises foreign investors on where to put their money said: “You could not have done much worse than investing in the Nigerian stock market in 2009.
With the Lagos All-Share Index down 27.5 per cent since January 1, it’s the worst performing equity index in the world so far this year. Add to that a 9.2 per cent drop in the currency, and you are looking at a third of your investment gone in one month, meaning that if you have put a 100 naira at the beginning of January, you probably have only about sixty five naira now.....God will help us.

Why Etim Esin and Jay Okocha are fighting

Two of the best midfielders Nigeria ever produced could not face each other on the football field so they are doing so now on the pages of newspaper and probably will do so in the law court.
Etim Esin have said though he felt bad that they humiliated and embarrassed him by searching him, his car and his wife just because of a stolen phone. He also lied to his daughter that it was a game can you imagine? What is he teaching the small girl? He however said he is going to court because he works for HITV and it wont be good for the image of the station. Please Oga Subair help us beg Bros Etim that your station can cope with the news and that Jay Jay have said he was not around when they started the search, but he stopped it when he discovered there was a search and said that he was sorry.
What does Etim want again, or he might be in court for years and he wont get anything oooo

17 Billion fraud in Bank PHB

Thisday carried a rumour about a fraud case before a magistrate court in Abuja involving just 17 billion naira only. We are told that they have recovered 7 billion naira. One of the name of those involved resembled that of the wife of the ace comedian Ali baba who was until recently an ED with the bank. We are told that some smart Alex took advantage of the credit process so we hope the profit PHB is declaring this year will take the 7 billion naira into account by making provision and won't just be Cadbury profit.
Cadbury Profit: When you inflate your profit.

NECO, WAEC, JAMB etc to change exam date

Researchers have argued over the best time to read for ages, whether morning or evening and also how long. They finally came to the compromise that it's different for everybody and should not be too long.

The president have however brought a new dimension that it's not a best time of the day, but a best time of the year. We are being told that he took his vacation/leave because this is the best time of the year to read. We therefore feel that most examination bodies should take note and change the date for exams so student will be able to read at the best time for these examinations.

EFCC agent suffer Brigg's Syndrome in court

EFCC surpass the Nigeria police by presenting a witness in court who is suffering from amnesia.
During cross examination by Gboyega Awomolo, Musa Sunday- an EFCC agent first started being evasive, then got confused, finally could not remember anything.

He was not even sure whether Borishade was investigated, who took his statement, etc.

We think EFCC need to send all their agents for medical checkup to confirm they are not suffering from Briggs syndrome.

Briggs syndrome is the disease popularized by the former NIPSS director who was accused of stealing a camera in far away China who in actual fact only FORGOT he picked the camera and FORGOT to return it. Naija amnesia.

The joy of being young

It's good to be young. Even Jesus Christ says let the children come unto me.

Babies are allowed to mess up, even shit in there pants. When they do wrong nobody punish them. They can be rude to elders. They can open their mouth and say anything.

Why is somebody thinking of the speaker of the house of Reps. Maybe they feel its because he is young nobody is talking about the inflated prices of cars bought by the house, nobody is surprised they are fighting the senate over co-chairman, only him know we spend 16 billion dollars for power project which is double what everybody else said. He knows civil servants that stole 700 billion naira and suddenly he is at it again - ministers that loss 7 billion dollars.

Its good to be can say anything

Why Abubakar Ali is deputy Governor in Yobe

Its no longer news that the junior brother of the late governor is the new deputy governor of Yobe state. It is also not a new thing to have something similar to a monarchy in a democracy. Petron in Argentina, Kennedy, Bush, and Clinton in America, and probably the Sarakis in Nigeria.

The rumour however is that Abubakar was picked because that is the only way for the family to recover their investment. Everybody know that election is not cheap in Nigeria. Newspaper mentioned that there were 4 other people considered who we suspected were the late governor's two children who were considered too young and the two wives who could not agree on a consensus candidate.

Real objective of e-payment

The objective of e-payment according to government is basically to facilitate payment from one end to another through the medium of computer without manual intervention in putting the payment data. Also, this will reduce wastage and reduce fraud.
The rumour according to civil servant is that it's a way to cut junior officers from the National cake since contractors won't settle them for such services as cheque collection again. Also that maybe the government is broke and need a reason not to pay salary and they will blame it on the teething problem of e-payment.

America Economic Recession: Nigeria to the rescue.

A Nigerian Dr. Kase Lawal have decided to help his alma matter, the Texas Southern University to weather the credit crunch by donating a cool one million dollars.
This oil magnate who did not get his Bsc. until the age of 32(i can still be a billionaire too, am not too old) is from Ibadan.

More American universities might start looking at Nigeria for cheap funds because its only naija that we are still spraying money in this season of no credit and government bail out.

The Pope must hear

The pope must hear that a bishop is risking the life of a priest in the oil city of Port Harcourt. We are told that kidnappers are ready to take a discounted value of 3 million naira instead of the asking price of 20 million for Father Kii. The church however is praying instead of paying according to the bishop. They are also asking why will the militant kidnap a priest, the reason is that the priest was a political appointee so a priest-politician. QED

Obama to rename White House

The rumour going around is that since a black man might not be suitable for a white house, Barrack Obama might change the name of the US seat of power. This rumour is gaining ground with the news that the new president described the building to a group of visitors as The people's house.
This will just be America copying naija because most governments in naija rename public places when they takes over. So watch out.

Open Letter to Mike Okiro on the goat man of Ilorin

Dear sir,
I would have preferred to write the president but the senate have confused me whether he is on leave or on vacation. I also considered Mr Goodluck, but I don't know whether he is acting or vice president. I will have considered the Senate president or Speaker but I do not want to get involved in any co-chairman tussle.
We need you to look into the big fraud going on the Kwara state command. How can the police commissioner claim he sold a miracle goat, a national treasure, the man goat of Ilorin for three hundred naira only, haba!! A day old ordinary goat is worth more than that. I hereby volunteer to beat the price by paying 400 in any currency including Zimbabwean dollar. I have warned people that we should expect this when the man cut short his leave to handle the case himself and started speaking such big grammar as transmogrification.
Please help.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Code of Conduct join the queue

We are told that the code of conduct tribunal have joined the queue for the most sought after or wanted man in Nigeria- Nuhu Ribadu. We are told on the queue already, to arrest the smallish man might be SSS, Nigeria Police, EFCC, probably ICPC and maybe even consumer protection commission, egbesu boys and a few more.
We are looking for a body that will monitor all of them to ensure no jumping of queue.

Most Risky deal of the moment

Nigerians are brave people and are adept in taking risk. There is no bigger proof that Honeywell did an IPO in this season and there were subscribers unless people know things that we don't. Analysts have told us that people will either enjoy the sweetness of honey or the sting of a bee, it will either be an oil well or a dry well.
Lets wait and see at least people bought Transcorp for six naira and its almost fifty kobo and nobody is committing suicide, we are that strong in naija.

Rwanda 2009: Haruna Lukman set new record

Its no longer news that Nigeria have crashed out of Rwanda 2009 after the beating by Cameroon, and as usual the coach is waiting to be sacked instead of resigning.
The news is that the Nigerian captain Haruna Lukman is getting an award for his rate of missing penalty. His average is one penalty miss in less than every two matches. We can tell you nobody will match the record in this tournament.

Most Scriptural Company in Nigeria, Yello

Since Fortune magazine have refused to rate companies following the gospel in Nigeria we will help out.
The bible asks us to give a portion to seven, another to eight, business model call it diversification or multiple stream of income.
I saw an advert saying i should text a few letters to a five digit number and I will win millions, each text cost 100 naira. I thought it was national sport lottery until I saw the colour and discovered that MTN have collected license for lottery business since telecoms is not making enough money. If it's a bonanza, using my phone will qualify me, not a 100 naira text.
I understand, with recession we need to be proactive and one road doesn't lead to the market.


Iyabo Obasanjo's passport have been released in another of the stages of EFCC comedy sorry cycle.
The story is leaked that you are to be arrested, you are arrested in a media blitz, charged to court normally in a town very far, jail you for a few days before granting you bail and seizing your passport, and then you go to court a few months after to collect back your passport for health reasons.....and all politicians in Nigeria are probably sick.

English lesson in the Senate

What is the difference between leave and Vacation. The Senate did a good job trying to decide whether the president is on leave or on vacation, both grammatically and constitutionally. I would have loved to tell you the difference but I am even more confused and am thinking of going back to school. The only thing I can deduce is that Mr VP is not acting President. Senator Sekibo also gave us a long lecture about what is meant to transmit to the senate by the president. The video of that sitting will make a nice movie

True reason Sankey and Briggs were sacked

Nigeria press have been carrying the rumour that since the president's memo sacking NIPSS DG and director did not contain the reason, they must have been sacked for being rude to Mr. VP and stealing respectively. They forgot that Sankey was not rude, he only told Jonathan to mind his business and Briggs stole in China so he can not be tried in Nigeria according to due process and rule of law.
The story is that Briggs is going for health reason. He was with Ribadu but not allowed to graduate from Kuru for health reason. He confessed after the China debacle that he has the habit of forgetting things. Sankey is being punished for being a bad supervisor or how did he not notice since that Briggs sometime even forgets his name.......

Robinho home visit to mama

Manchester city Brazilian over paid star ran to Brazil and we have been wondering why.
Some people said he went for a birthday bash the real owanbe party. Some said he is sucking that the oil billionaire refuse to sign Kaka at all cost, but unconfirmed rumour is claiming he fled because of his sexual assault case (The Etim Esin Style). He later came back after his club have assured him that the police will cooperate. Don't be surprised if nothing comes out of the sexual assault case, they learned it from naija.

Tajikistan: Where Human Being is cheap

Have you heard about this soviet republic with population about half of Lagos state?
What is unique about the place is that most of the people changed their name in 2007 so as not to sound Russian again probably thinking that it will make the economy better , a lot of people eat only once a day (0-0-1) and also that the going rate for babies at the moment is just a hundred dollars. People who are interested should consult....let me stop.......

Mr Goat Man : Police involve in human trafficking

I think Bukola Saraki is jealous, he can't believe a non Saraki will be more popular than him in Ilorin or how can he describe the goat man as a hoax.
How can an Ilorin man claim that it's not scientific, he knows science cannot explain many things including elections in Nigeria
At least the police have discovered that they have a jackpot and have a chance to make money by selling the goat man.
My fear is 'are they selling man or goat and, since when did we start selling suspects?'
When police are saying they will be involved in human trafficking, na naija oooo

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Nigerian Catch Osama Ben laden

The rate at which it is going, a Nigeria is going to claim he has caught Obama, sorry Osama. If the police can parade a goat as a robbery suspect, what stops a warri guy from claiming Osama turned to a dog when he was trying to catch the taliban head. I am going to research what evidence he needs to provide so he can claim the ransom and I will get my cut for this consultancy….am I sleeping, please wake me up

Manchester United sets record

Oshea at leftback, returnee West Brown in the middle and Eckelsey at right back, Manchester United still kept a clean sheet to make 11 matches and breaking the old record held by Chelsea.
This was a night that Manchester United scored 5 after a series of lone goal victory and Ronaldo finally remembering how to score again netting a brace.
When will a Nigerian play for Manchester united so that we fans will have one of our own and not a black Welbeck to hail. Mikel followed the money and decided on Stamford bridge instead of living out the dream at the theatre of dreams- Old Trafford.
Is any of the silver winning Olympic team, ie Ogbuke, Adeleye etc or the gold winning under 17 good enough to move to old Trafford to play for the red devils?
NB Van der sar also broke the record for clean sheet by a goal keeper in the premier league formerly held by Chelsea’s Peter Cech.

Petroleum Marketer and terrorist

Oh sorry I am repeating myself. I am trying to differentiate between the two and I can't.
I have never heard them telling us that they have problem resetting the price on the pumping machine if we have an increase in price or that they need to finish current stock before increasing.
Suddenly we have a decrease and no engineer to reset the price, plenty of stock to finish, they have not been informed officially, etc….like my guy will say blaggerdash.
I hope we won't treat them like terrorist before they repent from their evil ways…….Otedola, Tinubu and co. listen to what the spirit is saying.

Federal Government Announcement: Vacancy for New Head of Service

We need an experienced civil servant to take over from the current HOS who will soon be pushed either directly or indirectly by the house from her pedestal.
The main attribute we are looking for is someone who will know how to keep quiet when honorables or senators make unsubstantiated or false allegations. He will not be surprised or challenged or asked for evidence or more information. He will not feel bad if a speaker young enough to be his or her son make statement that tarnishes his reputation and those of his colleagues.
People who are not ready to swear oath need not apply

Christmas sales in January

I think the credit crunch and economic recession is the reason behind the sales last week in January. I don’t think any buy one get 2 free can be better than the one being enjoyed by the Chief Anthony ‘fix it’ Anenih at the moment. He suddenly have a governor that is not his opponent, a house of assembly that worship at his temple, he is charman of the biggest cash cow ……sorry number two after NNPC and with his luck at the moment I wont be surprise if he is invited to join the Obasanjo/Atiku love affair….With such luck I wont be playing card or rolling dices with uncle for some time.

Mikel Obi attempted sucide

Unless Chelsea midfielder, Mikel Obi is trying to commit suicide or he is trying to retire early from football (since officially I am older than him), he will not be driving while while drunk.
I think the man is old enough to know what he is doing in London, so unless either Manchester united supporters or witches from his village are behind it, I think the guy need to take it easy. Maybe mama Mikel should send him a wife from the village and before I forget, if I see him, as a big brother I will give him a knock on the head.

Acting president? Goodluck is not that lucky

Since the senate have told us that the president never wrote them that he is on leave, can somebody tell the SGF and the president spokesman to stop disagreeing in public whether Jonathan is acting president or not. Since Jonathan never succeeded Saul, we are not sure the VP have enough good luck to either act or succeed the president. I thought the new year resolution was the presidency won't be as confused as last year, it's still January and we are breaking the resolution

Who leaked the president leave/operation story

Staff in Aso rock have sworn so I don’t think they leaked the story because they be scared of the oath they took.
Do anybody notice that the story broke just after UMYA told the VP, senate president, speaker, military chiefs etc.
Lets rule out the military chief because they won't risk being charge for treason like those soldiers in Akure . Oh sorry that is mutiny, its Okah that is facing treason.
So is it that the VP is frustrated not knowing whether if he will ever be allowed to act as president, Speaker who is too young to keep a secret and sometime…..maybe Mark as military man might have something up his sleeves……

Breaking News……Nitel/Mtel on Strike

Time has changed….Nitel is on strike and the nation is not shaking
The news however is that Mtel is on strike. Until the strike action nobody knew that we still had Mtel. I believe if you have a working Mtel line it will be worth a fortune on ebay since it would be a collector item. Send me my commission for the tip.


I thought it was going to be Obama for showing the rest of us that we can, later we considered Maddof for showing that America has bigger 419 than Nigeria, then Atiku and Obasanjo who are already being nominated for the nobel peace award for their new love affair, but unless we get a bigger one which I don’t believe we can…the man of the month is the unnamed man turned goat from kwara state. I think the commissioner of police should be made IG for such fantastic work and the judge that will try the case will be made Chief Judge one day…it’s a prophecy.

Gbenga Obasanjo ……His Father’s son

Gbenga must really have learnt well from his father or where else could he have learnt the military strategy deployed in his divorce case.
When he filed the case he was nice, just talking of irreconcilable difference etc. When Moji replied asking for millions etc and both families seemed to be supporting Moji, Gbenga woke up….a true son of his father.
He suddenly started what was last year best seller story, surpassing his mum's published sob story,... I mean biography and, Elumelu’s house of reps power probe….'my wife is so beautiful and sexy, my dad loves her, her father could not hold himself, should I add any other name’ (are we talking about same moji)….pronto before he mentioned Bill Clinton too slept with her when he came to Nigeria and America took offence , everybody just started cooperating…….I love your style and in case you need a publisher or manager to sell the right to that story call my number we just need to put the disclaimer that it’s a work of fiction, you are only joking, a product of a fertile imagination….……what else can we add

Abuse. ‘The Dele Momodu’s Style’

Uncle D in his Saturday column told us he is the 3rd Nigerian after Madueke representing the president and Anyaoku a former commonwealth secretary general to have an invitation to the Baptist church where Obama was having a pre-inaugural service or thanksgiving service like we call it in Naija. The week before that I think, it was about his closeness to the new Ghanaian president, I hope he won't tell us one day he is God the holy spirit.
The gist however is toward the end of that Obama’s article where he described Atiku, ‘We thought we now have principled politician at last…..’ I don’t know whether to ask Uncle D “what meaneth thou?” or maybe I should just call Chinua Achebe since he was in the country to help me interpret before things fall apart.

Who said the president is on leave

I am told some people in the senate are saying that President did not tell them in writing he is going on leave….i hope that is not an impeachable offence.
Point of correction however is that he did not tell them at all, and who told them he is on leave?……No law says the president can only work from Aso rock, and we hear he is still there. So whether the president is in Obudu, Lagos or Katsina, until he uses his mouth to say he is on leave, its hearsay and not admissible in court…..QED

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Akon and my classmate

I use to have this classmate, who was younger than me, later was older than me and suddenly younger than me again.

Time machine is not a new invention in Nigeria, so I wonder why its news that America music sensation still claim he is 21, some bad belle claimed he is just trying to copy naija babes.

Somebody also claimed its common among civil servants and politician....If I talk the Head of Service might take me up like he took Bankole, although the speaker was (remind me to tell you later)......and if I mention politician, Farida might.......

Yaradua Goes on Honeymoon

I don't know why people believe the worse and assume that Mr President is sick and going for operation abroad.....Haba........
We are being told now that he is going to Obudu Cattle Ranch, Dodan Barracks and country home in Katsina.
I think the man just decide with the love in the air (Hope you did not miss the wedding) to have a second honeymoon after his baby daughter's marriage......So Madam Turai is the doctor to treat our President with a full dose of love......
We will find out in two weeks time from both Madam Turai and baby Nasfat who enjoyed honeymoon most....watchout

America equal Nigeria record....born Octuplets

The latest news from California, America is that a woman gave birth on Monday, to eight babies. The second time in history octuplets have survived more than a few hours.

Who else, but Nkem Chukwu and Iyke Louis Udobi, a Nigeria couple gave birth to the first set 10 years ago and i know Americans will be excited to have finally matched the record, especially since they were expecting only seven after the ultrasound. We really need to confirm that the last child belong to the mystery mother who we believed used fertility drug.

Forty-six hospital staff and four delivery rooms were used for the latest octuplets' births......and it made me wonder how many hospital in Nigeria........