Thursday, March 12, 2009

Men are bigger liars

A survey online claim that men are bigger liars than women and that the most common lies by men include:
Nothing’s wrong, I am fine.
Nice to see you.
I don’t have cash on me.
I’ll give you a call.
I am on my way.
No your bum doesn’t look too fat in that.
I think this are the most common lies by white, but that naija people will include others such as husband claiming I am in a meeting or have work in the office, this line is not clear when we don’t want to take call, and I am in the go slow as an excuse for missing appointment for Lagos people…..Which other lie is very common?

Secret of reducing HIV prevalence; The Bauchi example

The novel is one week one trouble, but in Bauchi its one month, one news, and a fantastic one at that.
It was the governor, supposedly spending a month allocation to marry his daughter’s age mate. We told people that they don’t understand the way of politicians. Like in the olden days you marry to protect yourself and what better way to make sure you are protected from EFCC and you are sure of a 2nd term than to be the president’s son in law. People are even carrying the rumour that the governor will soon be a double governor since he might be made the CBN governor.
Later was the religious riot, with all the funny reasons from church being converted to car park, truck blocking the road and people fighting over not finishing prayer on time.
The latest story is that the state government is partnering with an NGO action aid to reduce HIV prevalence by encouraging AIDS infected people to marry each other. The offer includes sponsoring the marriage and giving the couple a take off grant to start the new family. We are told 94 couples have already taken the offer. We are told that since both of the couple are already HIV positive it will reduce the spread of the disease to others. This is a little variation of the Yobe state‘s solution
Nice one Oga Isa Yuguda

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Zain Group’s gain, Nigeria’s pain

It has been in the news for some time but we at naija reports have not deem it newsworthy because we ask people what do you expect?
We have been asking that does anybody know any other big company that has changed ownership/name 5 times within his first 7 years? I think Guinness book of world record is not complete for omitting this achievement by the company that was initially christened Econet Nigeria and its now Zain. We feel the company is either jinxed, confused or some people are taking us for a ride. When the chairman of the board claimed that due to old age he must have forgotten some decisions taken involving billions I feel kind of funny.
The company we are told has not paid dividend in 8 years, I disagree. In Nigeria dividend are not paid like in other places that is why its only politicians that enjoy dividend of democracy and not the masses. Zain has been paying dividend to the people involved in the brand makeover. The billions spent on the change from Econet to Vodacom, billions to transform to vmobile, again to become celtel and finally to Zain, some people have been getting dividend.
Zain we are told has rented a building for 5 years at a cost that is more than what a competitor is paying to build something similar. Those same arabs make robinho the most expensive and highest paid player in England and was ready to spend 250 million dollars on kaka, so the way they think about money is different. The story is also that the board is renting the building from a board member so……
We are also told that the new owners are bringing in half baked arabs to replace the Nigerians. It’s a Nigeria syndrome, hope we noticed that they are even the only one among the GSM operator with a black CEO, we always feel that white is better.
When I direct my own film I swear Angel go be black and devil white……..

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Let’s Implement Lagos Rent Control law

Do you know there are standard rents for different kinds of accommodation in Lagos and to pay more might land someone in jail? Both the person paying and the person collecting are guilty.
Do you know that Baba landlord is not allowed under this law to increase the house rent by more than 20% every 3 years…..
Do you know that for most houses, landlord are not allowed legally to collect 2 years upfront payment, the maximum is 6 months for a new tenant and 3 months for an existing tenant.
Do you know that it’s a law that you should not pay more than 5% for legal fee for preparing your tenancy agreement and also not more than 5% as agency fee? A breach might lead to 2 years in jail.
The Lagos rent control law also seeks to protect a tenant from the landlord’s arbitrariness by saying the tenant can only lose his tenancy after due recovery procedures and processes are complied with, by the landlord.
We should campaign that this law, which full name is The Lagos State Rent Control and Recovery of Residential premises law of 1997 must be enforced in Lagos and copied all over the country.
Do you feel this is possible?

Ogbulafor thief, Anenih incompetence, but Action congress still misses it

Vincent Ogbulafor the chairman of PDP acquired a cheap 400 million house in Asokoro and the action congress are screaming blue murder.
Haba the man is chairman of the biggest party in Africa and when did collecting money from politicians and aspiring office holders become a crime? Like PDP is saying AC should stop being petty and grow up. Its Uncle Vincent’s time, let him make his money.
The man is not a public office holder so he doesn’t need to declare his asset or tell the public how he makes his money.
We are also surprised that AC is calling for Anenih’s removal like anybody will listen to them or that their view or opinion matter. They are also basing the call on his incompetence like uncle Tony was appointed because of his competence to run NPA. We need to point out however that the comedians in AC have not pointed out a better way to solve the port congestion issue. They know all the ways that won’t work but they don’t know one single way that will work.
God will save us from these politicians.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Is Morgan Tsvangirai car crash an accident or CIA hit?

Conspiracy theorists are at it again.
They are asking whether the accident that claimed Susan Tsvangirai and caused the new Zimbabwe prime minister to ‘flee’ to Botswana is really an accident. They are maintaining how come everybody was so sure so soon after the accident that the driver of the haulage truck was asleep at the wheel not drunk, not on the phone but asleep. They are claiming the story was a setup created even before the accident and the target was the Prime Minister though they are not sure even the independent investigation will reveal it.
The suspect for the assassination attempt include Robert Mugabe, whose visit to the hospital is being described as shedding crocodile tears., stalwart of the Zanu party who see Morgan as the only barrier to their continual dominance in power. Others are even mentioning that some people in the prime minister’s party now see him as a traitor for agreeing to the power sharing deal and enjoying the perks of office while some of the party activists are still languishing in jail and they are also pointing out that MDC people knows Morgan’s movement so they have the motive and they have the opportunity.
Some people are also pointing out that the haulage truck that crashed into the car belongs to a foreign aid group and that smells of CIA. Did Morgan disagree with the west, did he go back on his agreement with them because really it’s the western press that really started ‘the driver was asleep campaign’.

National Assembly Bastardize 2009 Budget

Newspapers have carried the story that what the national assembly did to the budget is pure sabotage and the members should be tried for treason. Its alleged that the house bastardized the budget so much that the presidency could not recognize it, maybe that was what led to the controversy last week that the budget was missing.
The house reduced allocations for most core sectors and areas that affect the citizens.
For example the 5.1 billion naira that Government put in the budget to provide water for you and I was reduced to 2 billion, the 6.5 billion to finish the Gas project maybe we will generate a little electricity was slashed to a miserly 1.1 billion. What about the 3.5 billion that was budgeted to transmit electricity so maybe I will finally stop using PHCN as back up to my generator? It was deem too much and reduce to 800million.
With all the reduction surprisingly the total budget was not really reduced because while the house is saying I should do without such basic things as electricity and water, it has increased its own budget from 64 billion naira to 113billion naira. They need more money to buy cars for committee at funny prices and condition, more sitting g allowance, more millions to spend on stationery they never buy etc while you and I can keep on managing.
God dey

Friday, March 6, 2009

Is Goat a pet or a farm animal..US board rule on dwarf Nigeria goat

According to news online, the south Milwaukee board of health voted unanimously that a dwarf Nigeria goat is a farm animal and not a pet. Based on the ruling the board is saying the goat must be removed from a home in the US. The health officers are however planning to give the owner time to find a new home for the goat.
The owner who is obviously very emotionally attached to his goat said "I understand. I have a pet. And I understand it's very difficult to not be able to keep that pet,"
I think the man should go to court since in America you can even get to supreme court over whether a goat is a pet or a far animal....
Really is a goat a pet or a farm animal, cos growing up we use to have many of them living in the house , so if its not a pet I think a Nigeria goat is not a farm animal but a house animal, what do you feel.

Police Stories 3...Didn't Inspector General Mike Okiro says bail is free?

I love Nigeria Police men, they are very innovative when it comes to making money.
The Inspector General is always fond of singing that bail is free but let me tell you from two experience how free is bail.
Experience 1: Police invited two of my people for a meeting over an unfounded an allegation. After the meeting they were told they cannot go except sombody signed bail. On the bail form it was written that bail is free that you should sign that you have not paid money for the bail and really as at then they did not request for money at all for the bail.
AFTER submitting the form, they refused to release my guy that no DCO to authorize. We were later told to get real that we either drop money or my people have to wait for DCO, that only Okiro think that bail is free, that if bail is free DCO signature is not free.
Experience 2: The court granted bail to two babes with the normal terminology that the surety must have a verifiable address. The police said that for them to confirm the address of the guarantor we will need to pay, if not the police will lock the babes up. Bail is free but to verify the bail is not free.
Oga Okiro is bail free?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Senate fine Rilwan Lukman, Petroleum Minister

The minister of petroleum was given a fine by the senate committee earlier in the week. He was fined a whole four thousand naira for refusing to honour four invitations of the national assembly. At that rate I can afford to miss a hundred.
I remember some foreigners were fined 1 million naira each for stealing a whole shipload of crude oil......I think that is why oil bunkering is good business, the risk is very minimal.
Lucky Igbiniedon is so lucky that he was fined 3.5 million naira after stealing billions, and we ask why politician steal.
The most ridiculous however is still Salisu Buhari. He disgraced the whole country by lying about his age and academic credential to become Mr Speaker, the number four cuitizen of this country. I am sure the guy was shocked and confused when told he was to pay 2000 naira. He will be wondering whether the judge is joking.
That is why I love naija too much.....

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Senators, Representatives and academic qualifications.

It was Governor Suswan of Benue state that started it all when he implied that the poor quality of debate in the house of representative was due to the level of education of the members.
He has apologized that he did not plan to insult the house but fact is sacred.
A survey by Thisday newspaper shows that its not only in age and maturity that the senate is the upper house but also in education. It will explain a lot of the house behavior including the fight that we must have 2 chairmen to write a new constitution.
Almost 25 % of the senate have a 2nd degree and none have less than a professionional certificate with most having first degree or HND, while the record of 2 cannot be confirmed.
In the house we have a lot of people claming to have WAEC/SSCE/NECO, we are not even sure they passed and not that it was when they were coming to the house they organized a certificate. A large number also have OND and funny diplomas.
The most funny is the number of not available, which I think might be a mistake. The NA probably means not applicable that education is not applicable to most of them. So the next time you feel the house is misbehaving or not making sense, just know it’s the level of education.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Nigeria in Guinness Book of World Records

It’s now official that Akwa Ibom state broke the world record for organizing the largest collection of choral singers. The 9300 strong choir that performed in Uyo during the last yuletide season were drawn from the 31 local government of the state with each local government contributing 310 choristers each. The former record was set by a group of 7514 carol singers at Bob Jones University, South Carolina, USA.
Other references to Nigeria include the Dafionne Family as the family with the highest number of accountants and also winners chapel's faith tabernacle as the world largest church building.

The options before Buhari and Atiku

Two different newspapers over the weekend carried stories that both Mohammad Buhari and Abubakar Atiku are considering their options in respect to their presidential ambitions.
Buhari considering that he lost at the Supreme Court in a slim 4-3 margin, feels he should still give it one more try, that the final judge might vote for him this time even if he doesn’t win at the electoral box. He feels he has three options one for each of the Supreme Court judges that supported him. He can stay in ANPP, move with his supporters to another party or form a new party. We will advise unless there is a coalition of opposition parties to form a mega party he should just retire home.
Atiku we are told has 2 options, return to the PDP or…. We are not told the 2nd option but we feel like the single supreme judge that voted for him……. Atiku has only one option, go back to PDP. He is almost ostracize in AC, he cant even deliver his state like Orji kalu pointed out and he needs PDP probably more than PDP needs him.......what do you feel

Peter Obi is naïve, unserious etc…..

Head, Alliance for credible election, Emma Ezeazu has described Anambra state governor Peter Obi as an unserious man. He described as a sign of Obi’s naivety, the governor’s statement that we should hire Ghanaian electoral umpire, to come and conduct the Anambra state election in 2010.
Obi has said that if Ghana’s electoral referee conducts the forthcoming election in his state he will win. If Orji can win in Abia and Ohakim in Imo, Peter Obi does not need a foreigner to conduct election before he can win. He should deliver the dividends of democracy.

JTF Kills Bayelsa Helicopters attackers

Six suspected militants who allegedly shot at a helicopter on Wednesday were killed on Thursday by men of the Joint Millitary task force. The head of the militant gang Godswill Ibralayu aka Kitikata escaped with injuries.
This gang is supposedly responsible for the killing of 3 soldiers in Nembe last year.
This quick response by the JTF shows that the Nigerian army like his brother the police can perform when they want to perform. It also confirms that they know the criminals and will go after them if they want to.

Apology to Ibrahim Geidam, Yobe state governor

The crew at naijareports apologizes to the executive governor Yobe state, for mistakenly omitting him from the list of nominees for the month of February.
Alhaji Ibrahim Geidem in a single policy tackled 3 important issues.
The whole world is in an economic recession and facing a credit crunch, he decides to tackle it with his own stimuli. The policy also tackles the health crisis by providing a solution to the HIV epidemic. Thirdly the policy rebrands the state, and also helps more of the indigene to behave better and probably enter paradise.
The governor of Yobe state for deciding to sponsor marriages at the Damaturu central mosque (in a secular society) so that more people will be able to get married and reduce waywardness is not only a nominee for our comedian of the month but the winner.
Keep it up gov

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Police stories Part 2……A journalist experience

A journalist Lanre Alfred narrates how he was attacked supposedly by armed robbers dressed in police uniform. They beat him black and blue, threatened to kill him, damage his car, collect his money, wrist watch, laptop and other personal belongings and finally let him go. Let’s allow Uncle Lanre to finish his story, after he got into his car and fled…..
‘…..The next police check I got to was behind the prestigious Sheraton hotel, I told the police about my ordeal, all what they could tell me was to go and bring the yobbos (robbers) that they would arrest them, very funny…….’
Oga lanre, just thank your luck the police men were in a good mood or they would have arrested you for being a public nuisance, giving false information, being negligent or joint commission etc.

The Nigerian Dream

If we have a Nigerian dream like the American dream, what will be involved for a naija man to be successful? What does a youth need to do to achieve the naija dream?

I was told a long time ago to be rich you work for it, steal it, win a lottery, inherit it or marry it.

A newspaper over the weekend carried this survey about Naija youths and how they plan to achieve the naija dream.

40% believe fraud (yahooze), looting of government funds is the easiest way to wealth.
25% believe that traveling abroad for greener pastures.
20% believe education is the easiest way. Employment after schooling.
10% believe starting out as an entrepreneur mostly trading is the easiest.
5% believe in others.

What do you believe is the way to the naija dream, especially since most rich girls only marry rich boys.

Comedian of the Month

1. President Yaradua for his solution to the economic recession. Cut salary by 10% while allowing more corruption and the country will move forward, I will nominate him for a Nobel award in economics.
2. Ojo Madueke, Foreign Affair Minister ; the man has always been an entertainer extraordinaire. I hope we can still remember his bicycle incident but this month he surpasses himself.
Starting with him and his ambassador to US rubbishing the country by making public what should have been confidential. In most countries the ambassador will have left for personal reasons or health grounds. Madueke has won and Nigeria is the laughing stock of all western press. He also claimed that the witch children of Eket never happened that the parents and kids must have been paid. Is the guy real?
3. Ibrahim Lame, Police Minister. We thought the man cannot be better than last month, but by claiming that police are performing beyond expectation he broke all records. We are still wondering whether one of the reasons he was appointed minister is his sense of humor. I can just imagine him sitting beside Madueke during FEC meeting.
4. IBB…The maradona did not get the dribble right this time around. He claimed on Moment with Mo that he annulled June 12 to prevent future coup. Haba when Abacha took over from Shonekan a few months after, what was that?
5. Farida Waziri, EFCC chairman revealing that south west governor did not come to EFCC programme because they are not against corruption. We all know before that politicians in Naija are not against corruption but they did not come because they don’t take you and the new EFCC serious.

Police Stories: Part 1

I was in a police station and later court yesterday and it was fun, I don't think Opa williams or Ali baba can organize a better show, A guy was charged for being a public nuisance, wandering by another name, even the judge was like he thought police no longer charge people for such, A guy was charge for dishonestly receiving stolen goods because he bought a land from people who stole the original document, A guy is charged for collecting money from a babe to get him a house, the guy is claiming that they were lovers and the girl is just angry he no marry am, that he is not an estate agent etc, I learnt the two difference between police bail and court bail and how the police make money from both, Share with us your experience with the police, hopefully the funny ones not the tragic