Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Busy Body; Alaafin Adeyemi takes Ooni Sijuade to the cleaners

Naija reporters earlier in the year warned the Ooni of Ife, Oba Okunade Sijuade against getting involved in the war among the royal father in Oyo state.
Our prediction have come true as the Alafin’s boys have taken the Ooni to the cleaners claiming that he is a chronic busy body, a dry fish that cannot bend so he cannot learn. They claimed in the past that the Egba, Ijebu, Yewa, Lagos etc have all told him to mind his business but that since Ooni’s problem is inherent and in his genes he cannot learn or change.
They also told him he is consistently inconsistent about his own history which he doesn’t even know. Are they calling him a bastard? How can they claim he doesn’t know his history?
The war has just started…

Monday, February 23, 2009

State Creation: Do we really need more

We used to have 3, later it became 4, increased by 300% to 12, and people still wanted more. It became 19, later 21, we increased it to 30 and its now 36 but the agitation for more states never ends.
People are asking for such states as Katagun, Apa, Shira, Adada, Equity, Orlu, Aba, Ogoni, Ugwuka, Tiga, Gari,Savannah, Njaba Remo-Jebu, Anioma, Obigbo, Ibadan Kaduna south and even Oduduwa and Equity.
Let me use three of the names, Equity, Gari and Apa to explain my view, to have ‘Equity’ (just imagine a state with a name like that) my father's house must be given a state of its own, and you know its all about ‘Gari’ we are all fighting about what we are going to eat. Finally most of the agitators are just ‘Apa’, wasters who just want to waste the country’s scarce resources to pay more public office holders than to develop the country.
Create more states so I can get my own share of the national cake.

The Ojo Madueke-Oluwole Rotimi Face-off

We have narrowed down the fight between the foreign affairs minister and the ambassador to the US to an ethnic issue. The ambassador called the minister a tribalist and abused Biafra… end of story.
The senate has however decided to find out how Nigeria became the laughing stock of the international diplomatic circle. What led to the issue? Is it the Obama inauguration, fight over money or does Madueke have his own candidate for the US office all along? Is it true that the fight is not a new thing but everybody in the US consulate and the foreign affairs ministry was aware of it all along?
Is the ambassador being quoted out of context and who leak the letters/memo to the world? What were they trying to achieve? In most countries, the ambassador might have been recalled but few if any will reveal such memo to the press. You don’t disgrace the country ….Anty Dora this is a re-branding we don’t need.

Ribadu takes naija reporters’ advice

An unconfirmed report says that Nuhu Ribadu is set to reveal all. The enfant terrible and most wanted man in Nigeria at the moment we are told is planning to release 2 books into the market before the end of the year. Remember we advised him to publish and even volunteer to represent him free of charge.
The first book is titled ‘The problem of corruption in Africa: The Nigeria experience’. It is Ribadu trying to be philosophical, trying to find a solution to the problem of corruption. The essay or book will not be of much interest in Nigeria cos we are not sure anything but God can save us.
The second book is untitled yet but we can tell you its going to be a blockbuster because it will reveal all., Odili, Ibori, Tinubu, Obasanjo, Atiku , Balogun, Adenuga etc. Lawyers are going to make money as people head to court to stop the books and to claim damages, newspapers will make money because we will have enough advertorial explaining the issues involved. We won’t be surprised if the book get on Times bestseller list or wins an award
Ribadu’s colleague in school, the Kenyan John Githongo earlier today released his own book ‘OUR TURN TO EAT’ about his experience in Kenya. Can people suggest title for Nuhu Ribadu so that we wont have any delay of the release.
Oga Nuhu, since you are not giving us the marketing right of the book, what of the movie right? The documentary/film will definitely win an Oscar.

When Abubakar Atiku abused Orji Kalu.

In my village they will say that abuses finish in the house of its owner. It was Orji Kalu that went to look for trouble by repeating what everybody has been saying and know all along that Abubakar Atiku is not principled or that he betrayed some of his supposedly supporters by his visit to Obasanjo. It was nothing new, just Orji trying to be relevant and telling Nigeria he is still alive, but he got more than he bargained for.
‘He is a liability and not an asset to any serious person. It is a measure of how low this country has descended that a man standing trial for corruption should be going around with a swagger and maligning his elders in order to earn some political points’…Round 1
‘As someone who occasionally suffers from memory loss and deliberately distorts history to suits his selfish motives’……..Round 2
‘Blinded by his own ambition and the delusion that the presidency of Nigeria is open to just anyone with money and sufficient rascality’……Round 3
‘Grow up because a man nearing 50 should not continue to play the jester, in case he does not know this, few people take him seriously in this country’………Round $
Let’s stop, but if your friend describes you this way Uncle Kalu, how will your enemies. I expect a reaction from your side as this abuse is just too much.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

American Billionaire targets UBA, Diamond Bank.

Unconfirmed reports have claimed that the American billionaire, George Soros might be interested in taking over either UBA or Diamond Bank or both. UBA is one of the biggest banks in the country and Diamond was just declared the best bank in the country by Thisday newspaper.
Representative of his hedge funds were in the country earlier in the year and met with top management of both banks and also with the ministers of Finance Remi Babalola about investing in the country, especially with CBN claiming earlier that it will not allow foreigners to take over Nigeria’s Bank.
It is believed that the share prices of most banks make them an investment delight and a report last week described Nigeria as one of best 2 countries for Foreign investment in Africa at the moment.

Why they are fighting in Bauchi……

We have different stories about all the riots in Bauchi and they all seem impossible.
The first story is that two Islamic sects were fighting over the use of the mosque. A sect did not finish on time so a quarrel started and the mosque was set ablaze. Other Muslims not knowing who set the mosque on fire started rioting.
Another is that some Muslims politely requested the use of a church compound to park their cars which was not granted. Can you imagine such an affront, so an argument ensued and because the church was not converted to a car park it was burnt, life and properties were lost.
Another is that a truck broke down between a church and a mosque and the Muslims assumed that the Christians intentionally set up a barricade to disturb them from going for Friday prayers and before you can say Jack Robinson….
Nobody has told me any reason that makes sense, a reason that the riot will be worth it….We need prayers in this country.

Nigeria wins more awards in the UK

A few weeks after we spoke about Nigeria’s stock exchange winning award for free fall, and Nigeria being the world leader in polio, we have discovered two other areas we are setting the pace in UK.
Nigeria has the 3rd highest no of foreign Student in UK universities. First and second are China and India and everybody knows those 2 countries are just too many, I still can’t imagine population in billions. We are investigating whether our own schools are that bad, we don’t have enough universities, we have plenty of money cos those schools are expensive or is just we like anything foreign.
The 2nd award is that we have the 2nd highest no of foreign prisoners in UK cells. We are told that Jamaica is the only country ahead of us. Unconfirmed report is that the number is that high because every black foreigner arrested is assumed or claimed to be a Naija.
So if you have anybody in UK you can’t trace, he is probably in University or in Prison.

Did Sir Alex Ferguson fix the match?

If Sir Ferguson is a Nigerian by now allegation of bribe or match fixing will be all over the place after Saturday’s match between Manchester United and Blackburn Rovers.
Two players have started all 14 premiership clean sheet by Manchester United, Dutchman Edwin Van Der Sar and Serb Emmanuel Vidic. Suddenly on Saturday Vidic was on the bench and Edwin was not even listed at all. Vidic was already going to miss the match against Inter midweek so he does not need the rest on Saturday.
Some people must made a killing , betting that Man U will concede on Saturday and we are still wondering why Sir Alex allowed it.

Ribadu goes to school

Most of us growing up enjoyed the storybook Akin goes to school and Eze goes to school. Recently it was El rufai goes to school but we have now confirmed that the latest is Ribadu goes to school.
Erstwhile EFCC chairman, has disproved our claim that he must be hiding in Adamawa as it is authoritative that he is a post graduate student in Oxford University. Ribadu who already has a masters in law is doing a research on effective anti corruption agencies.
One of his colleagues in school is the Kenyan, former Anti corruption crusader John Githongo, who is releasing his book ‘Its Our Turn to Eat. The book is detailing his discovery of the corruption in Kenya.
Like we pointed out earlier about the similarity between Ribadu and Elrufai, both of them are also doing postgraduate courses in Oxford and Havard at the same time. Is it in the genes or do they just like copying each other ?

US behind attack on Equatorial Guinea……MEND

The movement for the emancipation of Niger delta MEND has revealed that the attack on Equatorial Guinea was a ploy by the US government to sow fear so that African countries might support the idea of AFRICOM. This has not disproved the claim by the Equatorial Guinea government that the attack was conducted by militants from the Niger delta. Mends revelation is just about the sponsor and the rationale behind the attack.
The Nigerian Government has however come out to say it is not a party to the attack, and also pointed out that external party and or Niger delta militants might be involved.
US has however described the allegation as unfounded, inaccurate, amazing and baseless. It has been pointed out that Pakistan initially denied that its citizens were involved in the Mumbai attack. We agree that it might be inaccurate but America has done such in the past so it cannot be baseless, amazing and unfounded….Time will reveal the truth.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Can a Nigeria police refuse bribe?

“It’s the image of a lone police man I hold on to. He is chubby, affable ands wearing an helmet. When he stopped us in Edo state or shortly before we left Ondo state, Okey exhausted from all the checkpoint made to give him 200 naira, but he refused. He asked for our car papers, looked at them carefully, says that everything is completes and he adds ‘safe journey’. As we drove away I looked back wishing I knew his name” Chimanmanda Ngozi Adichie…..
You can’t know his name because he doesn’t exist. He is a mirage, a production of your fertile imagination. The only way Mike Okiro will believe your story is that you saw an angel dressed as a policeman, showing us what can be.
As at today, if a Nigeria policeman refuses bribe, don’t turn your back on him so you won’t be a victim of accidental discharge.

Two best business/investment in Niger Delta

The 2 best businesses you can be involved in at the moment is Oil bunkering or kidnapping.
If its true that on the average 150, 000 barrel of oil is stolen per day, the value of oil stolen last year is 6.3 billion dollars. Just imagine if you can control 1% of that industry.
Also imagine if you can pick the daughter of a house of rep member and demand for a 100 million……calculate the number of honorables and senators from the Niger delta, ministers and former ministers, etc…….
If not that I dey fear I will just set up an oil bunkering and kidnapping outfit......

I know Bola Ige’s killer….Wole Soyinka

Nobel laureate, Wole Soyinka has revealed exclusively to Next newspaper that he knows the murderer of the late attorney General Bola ige. He said ‘we are convinced that we know who the killer is. In fact I will go as far as to say that one of those who inspired the killing is dead’
He also described the new love affair between Atiku and Obasnjo as a marriage made in hell.
Uncle Kongi, please tell us the killers before they all die, or before you die and we may never know what really happened and why has the police not invited you to tell them your story.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Globacom should change phone number.

Glo should have used 0804 and not 0805 so that the 080419 range of numbers would have been glo numbers……….
Sometime ago Consumer Protection Commission was after cocacola over their promotion that it’s a scam, but surprisingly they never complained about globacom. A few years ago glo was distributing houses; i am still trying to find out who won.
Last year they promised to distribute 500 cars in 5 months, 14 months later they are still advertising 310 cars to go…….the rate they are going it will take them another 2 years to finish the promo….ole barawo

Man of the Year

Sun newspaper was on AIT yesterday celebrating former NLC president and Edo state Governor Adams Oshiomole as Man of the year 2008.
I have nothing against comrade oshiomole, but I keep on asking, based on what criteria was he chosen, except that the award was being organized by his friends, we all know who is the owner of Sun Newspaper.
I know we don’t have heroes in Nigeria but even picking a Samson Siasia would have been better at least he almost won Olympic Gold and was picked as one of the best coaches in the world. Last week I was still reading about D banj being chosen as Future award person of the year, a role model for our youth to emulate, ‘God Forbid’, and I am like even America with all his show business wont do that. If we can say that the organizers of future award are affected by youth, what is affecting The sun, what they will eat won’t let them know better?
Somebody just pointed out that I don’t buy The Sun that I always say they are too unserious, so I should just see the award as another comedy show from some unserious people…… its bad comedy.

Friday, February 13, 2009

With laughter from Lagos house of assembly

Two funny stories are coming from the Lagos state House of assembly this week.
PM news said the first Lady advised all the members to take HIV/AIDS test. Haba!! why expose yourself? It's like asking a politician aspiring for an office in Nigeria to take a lie detector test.
I challenge them to take the test, if half pass I go change my name say no be my papa born me.
The 2nd news from daily independent is that a student impersonated a lawmaker to another lawmaker. I wondered how possible it was until I was told that most of them are absentee lawmakers and when they are around, they don't contribute so how will they know each other.

I born in the wrong country'.....father of Quadruplet.

Unconfirmed reports says that Mr. Odebunmi Ismaila whose wife gave birth to 4 babies, is on the run because he gave birth in the wrong country.
They are also pointing out that if he gave birth in America he will probably be supported by the government and will not need to run.
We hope that at least, UCH officials or Oyo state government will foot the medical bills.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Best and Worst Bank to Deposit your money

CBN have finally said all banks must report how much interest they will pay on deposit and will collect on loans. We all know most of them might not give us loans and they will always add hidden charges, so what really concern us is how much they will pay on our deposit. Remember what they are giving is average, you can get more or less depending on amount, tenor, negotiating ability, etc.

The best 4 banks according to the January list are....
1.GT Bank 16%
2.Access Bank 15.5%
3.Ecobank 15%
4.Intercontinental bank 14.80%

The worst 4 Banks are......
1.United Bank for Africa
2.Standard Chartered
3.Spring Bank
4.Oceanic Bank

First Bank, Stanbic IBTC, Unity Bank and Zenith are not part of the report because what CBN reported for them is a range and not an average. Our own calculation of the average from that range however does not place them in either among the best or worst four.

Four ways to catch terrorist or criminals at the Airport

Since prevention is better than cure, its better to catch terrorist or criminals at the ports before they enter your country. Imagine if India has captured the terrorist before they enter we will not have had the Mumbai bloodshed.

Guardian newspaper has finally enlightened us on how master spies are stopping evil people before they enter and strike and here are four of them

1.Watch out for that country, name or religion…….If he is a Nigerian check him again for drug, suspect he is a 419..etc. If his name resembles Osama unless its Obama, he might be planning to hijack a plane, if he ia a Muslim, Pakistani etc…..
2.Compare his passport picture to his face…..It must resemble him, if not he is an amateur criminal just deport him, but in case he looks younger in the passport, don’t consider people look older five years after taking a picture, he must be a criminal.
3.He is shaking or sweating……If the man in front of you is sweating or shaking, don’t believe he is reacting to the change in weather, he is either carrying a deadly contagious flu or disease or he is a master criminal who cant control himself and is scared. You are a loser in both circumstances.
4.Check his bag…..For example if he is coming to the Caribbean and New Zealand and is not packing short, he must be a terrorist……..

Tell me others from your experience

Monday, February 9, 2009

INEC is bankrupt

We have finally confirmed Maurice Iwu’s claim that INEC is short of cash.

EFCC revealed that he is investigating three directors of INEC for a fraud of 100 million. In the good old days when INEC was INEC, in the days of Akanni, Inec Directors do business of hundreds of millions not 3 of them doing a hundred million.

INEC has come out to say none of their staff has been arrested by EFFC. We all know how EFCC works most of the time. They invite you to a meeting, you write statement and they ask you to get somebody to bail you. You have not been arrested yet, you just came for a meeting, but when I go for meetings I don’t write statement and I don’t get anybody to sign for me before I can go home.

Why Polio eradication cannot succeed in Nigeria

Investigations have shown that Polio eradication in Nigeria is a mirage.

Firstly, it is a poor man’s disease. The rich get vaccinated so its only the children of the poor that get paralyzed and in naija nobody cares for the poor unless you can make money from it.

Secondly it has been politicized. Politicians have said it’s a way to reduce the population of the north to give advantage to the south and people don’t change belief in Nigeria easily.

Thirdly, religion has been added to the brew. It’s a campaign by the western Christian so until Saudi Arabia sponsor an eradication project, people won’t believe it.

Lastly, our leaders are……. India President launched the eradication project, Pakistan Prime minister flagged off the project, where is Umar and Jonathan? We could not find Mark and Bankole. Until the political, spiritual and traditional leaders support the initiative, Nigeria will be the last stronghold of Polio in the world.

More reasons we don’t have electricity..

More reasons have emerged why we don’t have stable electricity in Nigeria.

The chairman of Nigeria Electricity Regulation council and his commissioners are currently facing fraud charge. We all know before that they are thieves but with the 100 million naira allowance NEPA or PHCN cannot work no matter the change of name. I was thinking of contesting for office before but if its possible to get such allowance I think I just prefer appointment.

They are not only thieves but dull ones, what is the commissioner doing with the certificate for 500 million is his name in his possession…audit trail?

Calculating Ransom in the Niger Delta

The wife of former petroleum minister and royal father Daukoru has been free for 10 million naira.
Contrary to earlier demand of withdrawal of troop from Nembeland, the kidnappers have as usual collected cash and released their victim.
This freedom fighter ala elder statesman and Ijaw leader Clark, also released a young son of an oil worker who was earlier kidnapped and his sister killed for 5 million naira ransom. If this is freedom fighting its better not to be free.

We have put together an expert team who will derive a formula to be used by this militia/freedom fighters to calculate ransom so everybody will agree on the worth of any hostage since its an everyday occurrence and everybody is at risk from commissioners to priest, from old grandfather to young boys.

Watch out on this page for the formula in the next few weeks

Lunatic attempt to Kidnap Governor

Nigeria police have once again performed beyond expectation by arresting a madman that was involved in a kidnap attempt. The last time they arrested a goat in Ilorin when attempting to steal a car.

The police has paraded a gang including a lunatic in Yobe for attempting to exhume the body of the late governor. Speculations around town includes whether they are spare part dealers, opponent of the late governor or ritualist …….

Unconfirmed report has however confirmed to us that the plan was to kidnap and hold the body for ransom. In Yobe they have decided to catch the kidnap bug but want to start kidnapping dead bodies.

Malaria vaccine on the way soon…….Bill Gates

Bill Gates has revealed in Nigeria that vaccine is on the way for a few more diseases especially malaria fever. This has however caused a lot of debates with Nigerians asking whether the vaccine will be for all or will be for whites alone as malaria affects both of them differently. It’s a common disease like flu to a black man but a deadly plague to the whites.
They are also asking what kind of mosquito is being used for the research, because some mosquitoes are now Baygon (insecticide) proof

The discovery of a cure for diabetes this week, the eradication of smallpox and the near eradication of polio is giving us hope that if anybody can help in getting a vaccine for malaria Bill Gates can.

Oruma is a ‘one album musician’ ……LOC

Sources within Nigeria 99 LOC have explained their rationale behind choosing Kanu Nwakwo instead of Wilson Oruma as ambassador.

“You know some musician are one album star, they make one album and then fizzle out, what has Oruma achieved since 1993, can you compared it to Kanu, lets sell something that is sellable’’

Kanu won Dutch league and champion’s league with Ajax, FA and premiership with Arsenal, scored the winning goal last year for Portsmouth to win the FA….he doesn’t need us to brand him, he is a brand already, that is why you will see him in advert for corporate organization, not because he is a fine boy….

Oga Oruma, really I think they have a point unless you can prove otherwise, the ball is in your court……..

Four top exports by Nigeria.

In the year after independent, Nigeria was a top exporter of such products as Cocoa from the south west, Palm from the East and Groundnut from the north. W e also exported coal from Enugu and tin from Jos, Later we became a mono product economy basically exporting only oil.

In the last few years we have tried to diversify the economy by creating more produce to export abroad and the top four are..
1.Petroleum…..We are one of the top 10 in the world
2.Polio virus…..According to the WHO, we are now no 1 in the world.
3.Prostitutes…..Talk to the Italian police.
4.Pastors…We pastor the biggest church in England Ukraine etc
This is closely followed by 419, every comedian in America now joke about Nigeria spam emails and Nollywood films although this is predominantly to Africans in Diaspora.

Bill Gates’s mosquitoes from Nigeria?

Earlier last week Bill Gates was in Nigeria as part of his foundation effort to eradicate Polio world wide. We are aware he was presented with many gifts by the government and people of the country to show our appreciation.

Later in the week during a conference in America we were told he released mosquitoes into the crowd so that rich American can really experience it. We have been told that those mosquitoes are malaria free although Nigerians don’t understand malaria free mosquitoes or believe it.

The story however is that those mosquitoes released in America are from Nigeria, so even if you have not been to USA, a mosquito that bites you might have taken your blood to Obama’s country.

The many sins of El Rufai……

El Rufai’s crimes are not the allocations at the last hour, that is done everywhere, even America president dash out pardons at the last moment like its going out of business. Why is he the only guilty minister of FCT? Even Smart Adeyemi has to remind senators to fear God.

The number one sin is that he reminds people too much of Ribadu. I wonder who played outside whether it was Pa Ribadu or Pa Rufai but one did because they must be half brothers. To remind people of Ribadu is an unforgivable sin.

Sin number two is his stature. I think the man is too short and wiry. We have this notion that a short man is a bad and dangerous man, they cause most of the world’s trouble, and nobody trusts a lean man.

Sin number three is that he talks too much. Even if senators ask you for bribe why tell people? If they are not making sense or being childish you are supposed to smile and not point it out. You don’t need to tell people you are right all the time.

Sin no four is that he was a mad man. Only a mad man is over zealous in Nigeria. What concerns El Rufai and Abuja master plan, even if we build hotels in green areas and build mansions on drainages, why was he working like it was his father’s business, Nigerians don’t want it, don’t deserve it and don’t appreciate it.

I still feel the problem is its in his Genes. He must be Ribadu’s half brother, because Ribadu is guilty of all these crimes too.

UK steals Abacha’s loot

The Kenyan government alleged last week that the English law is fashioned in a way to help their people to steal.
The British government has now told Nigeria that to give us back our money we must first restructure our own EFCC and COURT to their own satisfaction. Instead of sanctioning their people who were involved in laundering and returning the money to the rightful owner, the British government is doing what naija people will call bold face.

International diplomats have however advised Nigeria to exercise patience since we all know that there is credit crunch and economic recession……meaning oyibo is broke and need the money more than us at the moment.

Etim Esin’s Day…The public holiday that never was.

Nigeria has added May 29 as democracy day to list of public holidays and AD southwest governors played with idea of adding June 12.

Etim Esin in his war of words with Austin Jay Jay Okocha has just revealed that IBB was so much in love with him that he almost declared a public holiday when he was shot in 1987. The day would probably have been to pray for his healing or to praise God for keeping him and would have been Etm Esin’s day. I know we are football crazy but even Brazil doesn’t have a Pele day or Argentina a Maradona day.

Can somebody tell Uncle Etim that this is getting ridiculous, we are not interested in how much he bought his car or that his wife is traveling out…..story

Nigeria wins WHO’s Awards.

Nigeria has won four awards from the world health Organization.

Firstly we are one out of four countries in the world with polio virus.

Secondly we are the only country outside Asia since the other 3 countries are India, Pakistan and Afghanistan. Since those countries also have problems with terrorist and islamist fundamentalist, we can now understand the Niger delta and Jos.

Thirdly Nigeria is the only country with all the 3 types of polio virus as we are the only one with type 2 virus. All the other countries have one or two types.

Finally Nigeria is the only country exporting polio virus. Nigeria Polio virus has been discovered in such places as Burkina Faso and Chad


Benue state governor and a former house of rep member himself has described the members of the house of representative as immature, uneducated and pointed out that most of them cant make meaningful contribution to bills.

Reacting to a speech by the house speaker during the convocation of the university of Abuja, Suswan used style to tell the house to stop blaming military rule and the executive for their shortcomings and look inward and that since the qualification is secondary school certificate most of them are illiterates who don’t understand what the house is about and hence cannot contribute meaningfully to bills etc and are therefore led by the nose. He also points out that most of them are immature. He later advocated higher educational qualification.

The house has reconfirmed by answering that Suswan should not have told them the truth since he was a house member before he became a governor and that higher education will disenfranchise some Nigerians. We are recommending no need for education at all and maybe age limit should be reduced to 12.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Much ado about nothing ……The president’s vacation.

The president is finally back, though from where we are not sure because we don’t know whether he left or where he went etc…..

We are still trying to find out who leaked the story of his leave and started the rumor that he was supposed to go abroad for treatment, maybe it was Bankole or Jonathan.

The senate could not agree whether he went on leave or was on vacation and Soyinka and Achebe refused to help us out to tell us the difference.

We were told that Mr. President did not transmit his absence, we did another long lecture on the meaning of transmit….

We did not know whether Goodluck was acting or vice president.

We could not decide whether he went for another honeymoon after all the love in the air during his daughter’s wedding, went for treatment or really January is the best time to read as told by Adeniyi.

Was he in Dodan barracks, did he reach Obudu at all or was he in Aso rock through out….

The question is, what is the difference?
When he was around nothing was happening, he was an invisible man, when he was supposedly away, we did not feel it, now that he is back, we will still be looking for him cos we cant see him….

Hence the whole fuss about the leave is much ado about nothing.

Footballers at War 2: Marseille Oruma Vs Portsmouth Kanu

As Segun Odegbami and co are finally seeing reason with us and looking for an amicable resolution to the war between Austin Okocha and Etim Esin another war has started between Wilson Oruma and Kanu Nwankwo over the Nigeria 2009 project.

Oruma has accused Kanu and the LOC of trying to rewrite history by adding Kanu to Ugbade and Lukman as the ambassador for the forthcoming under 17 world cup. He said the other 2 footballers are captains of the 1985 and 2007 winning team and him as captain of the 1993 team should be the ambassador not Kanu.

Without saying so, he is implying Kanu shortchanged him and that means Kanu must have used his position as Super Eagle captain to collect what should rightfully be Oruma’s or maybe some cash changed hands……I think Bankole’s House or EFCC should quickly investigate.

House of reps 4 million naira Sallah/Xmas Bonus

We are told the latest crisis in Bankole’s house of rep is over whether the 4million given to them in December is an overdraft or a bonus. We wonder why the people that collected the money (since we discovered it’s not everybody), will assume they are special so it should be a bonus, or maybe they assume that it should be converted into a bonus and the rest of the house should collect their own. This notion is supported by the complaint by members, that why is the house returning 2 billion naira unspent fund, when really that will have paid for the bonus and still leave about half a billion naira?

The house that has not yet explained the inflated committee cars that was bought last year despite collecting money under monetization for cars, the rumor that the fight over constitution review is over the money to be spent and are now saying bank’s loan should be converted to bonus; we need to check the meaning of honorable again….

Friday, February 6, 2009

Five Ways to score against Manchester United

Manchester United is Premiership Champion, European champion, World Champion and we Nigerian supporters can't stop making fun of Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool supporters.

The latest is that we are on top of the premiership table with a match in hand and we have played 12 premiership matches without conceding a goal. A premiership record for both the club and that old man Edwin Van der Sar. We have changed the defense line so many times, Evra and Rio have been out, Raphael, Evans and the other teams can't just score a goal.

This Weekend we will be playing West ham in march 13 and people have said 13 is an unlucky number. Can West ham be lucky enough to score a goal, or what do they need to score a goal?

1.The referee can award them a penalty....that is even risky or not fool proof because Edwin can decide to catch it.
2.Ferguson should be given a red card early in the game or should not turn up at all cos of a cold. We believe the fear of Sir Alex is behind the clean sheet.
3.Gary Nevile decides to score an own goal. Maybe it will take a man u legend to score against us since the other teams are scared of scoring.
4.Sir Alex decides to use John O'shea as center back.......He might help to concede a penalty but like we said that doesn't guarantee a goal unless we use foster instead of Edwin.
5.Edwin must not play. Sir Alex can bench him, West ham can injure him, referee can give him red card etc. Vidic and co. have however prevented the old man from making one decent save in some matches so west ham might still not score.

Please tell me what do we do so somebody can score....tell me your view......

I prefer to leave HITV....Etim Esin.

Etim Esin have reacted to his suspension by HITV by accusing his CEO Toyin Subair of conniving with Okocha to destroy him. Etim Esin at first claimed he was suing Okocha because of his image as an HITV analyst so as to protect the HITV brand. We are still trying to find out why Toyin and Jay Jay will be after brother Etim.
We are also investigating how was much was Okocha's Xmas gift, since Uncle Etim says its only 50, 000 and not 100,000. We also discovered from him that IBB is a lover of football and is always ready to dole out money to any former international, so other players should please take note.

We advised last week that this case will bring no good, we are still saying same.....Drop the case Uncle Etim.

Abuja University VC involved in arms trafficking?

The police in Ekiti were accused of arms trafficking, now its the turn of Professor Nuhu Yaqub, the VC university of Abuja. PM news in a story claimed the VC and the university CSO sourced for four AK 47 rifles at the price of 850,000 for each one.

We are told that being a father himself the VC will go to any extent to secure his students life, but we hope he won't start buying tanks, bazooka, grenades etc without license soon.

We also need to find out who gave the approval since the university security committee have denied knowledge of the deal, who is the supplier because we cannot believed the story that the deal was done in a beer parlour and how come the rifles were that cheap ... sorry expensive?

125 billion dollar Fraud....playing with Bankole.

It is possible that everybody have discovered that Mr Speaker Dimeji Bankole is easily excitable. It seems they feel he likes probes and, the bigger-the better.

A faceless organisation, Banking Ethics Organisation of Nigeria (BEON), in a petition to the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Dimeji Bankole, stated that over N14.625 trillion was lost by the country to corrupt practices of CBN and NNPC officials in collaboration with the foreign financial institutions that are managing the nation’s foreign reserves. The petition entitled: “Urgent Need for an Investigative Public Hearing on the Management of the Nigerian Foreign Reserves” to the Speaker was dated November 28, 2008.

Who are those in BEON, why have we not heard of them with all the ethical issues in Nigerian Banking system, how much did Nigeria make in the 5 years the group is claiming we loss 125 billion dollars?

We don't expect the house of reps to ask such questions, just get on AIT again and start another movie that is going nowhere........why is nobody nominating them for AMMA award?

The resurrection of Savannah Bank.

Easter came early for Jim Nwobodo and other owners of Savannah Bank as the court of appeal ordered the reopening of Savannah bank. The CBN Governor, Prof. Chukwuma Soludo, at a public hearing organised by the Senate Committee of Banking, Currency and Financial Institutions, had said that “the case of Savannah Bank is like a man who is dead and buried”. The professor forgot that at easter the dead and buried always rose again.

The reopening of Savannah bank according to the court is because due process was not followed in the liquidation not that it was not supposed to be liquidated. We need to start doing things right and not just doing the right things in this country.

Melanye Is not making sense...Ndukwe, NCC chairman

NCC chairman have wondered why Hon Melanye is screaming about 1.7 biilion tax holiday with the over 300 billion the country have made from the telecoms sector. He is implying that the honourable doesn't know the meaning of tax holiday or is just playing to the gallery.
Ndukwe said those he called “schemers” were bent on hijacking the NCC which was built from the scratch. “Now, the schemers want to come and take over and plunder the place,” he said.

He said he is discussing with his lawyer about pressing charges, but uncle, these boys are young, you have implied they are schemers and don't know what they are doing so why sue them...what will you gain?

How to know a child will be a star footballer...Emmanuel Adebayo's Fairytale

Arsenal and Togo striker have finally revealed to us how it was discovered he will be a football star at the age of four.

He revealed how he was crippled and could not walk for the first four years of his life. His devoted mother, Alice criss crossed Africa looking for medical and spiritual solution for the young Emmanuel.

Emmanuel meaning 'God with us' finally landed with God in an undisclosed church having exhaust all other options. He was giving a week, that if God doesn't do it in that week, there is no more hope for him of ever walking talk less of running and playing football. The church started praying and the on the last day with the mother weeping somebody threw a ball inside the church and the lame young Emmanuel stood up and ran after the ball...it was a miracle.

Immediately it was obvious that he was one day going to be a football star. Today he is one of the nominees for African football biggest Awards.

I think Hollywood or Nollywood should be interested in the film rights.

National day of recanting.....SEC and CBN

The security exchange commission and central bank of Nigerian have come out to retract the statement earlier credited to them.

SEC have earlier claimed that banks' chiefs stole money enriching themselves, banks have loss over 300 billion to stock brokers and that Government should take over SICK banks, banks are responsible for stocks collapse etc......SEC have come out to say that is not the position of the commission and not that its representative did not say so to Yar'adua.

CBN also said “To put the record straight and for the avoidance of doubt, we have carefully reviewed copies of all his presentations as well as the full transcripts of his public pronouncements on the matter, and can confirm that at no time has Professor Soludo said that the Nigerian economy is “IMMUNE” or “INSULATED” from the global crisis.” why are they just discovering that?

Etim Esin Lied.......Toyin Subair (HITV BOSS)

Vanguard newspaper have carried the story that HITV have suspended sport analyst and former Nigeria International Etim Esin over the stolen phone case involving him and former Nigerian captain Jay Jay Okocha.

Toyin Subair said he had no other option than to suspend Etim Esin because he found out the truth.
“I found out that Okocha wasn’t the one that ordered Etim searched; I found out that Etim was not the only one searched. I found out that Okocha apologised to Etim and Okocha’s wife knelt down to apologise to Etim’s wife, gave her a kiss and everything calmed down and the party continued. Etim claimed that he was searched in the presence of his daughter who wanted to know what they were doing to her dad and Etim told her they were playing a Christmas game.

I found out that Etim’s daughter was upstairs playing with other kids when he was being searched and what Etim said wasn’t true. I found out that Okocha also gave Etim money as Christmas gift and the man probably went home happy only for him to surface later and change things. I found out the truth from Etim’s wife. When I found out the truth my body started shaking, I became scared of Etim and insisted he would have to retrace his steps otherwise he could do it to anybody including those of us on HITV. That’s why I asked him to apologise,” Subair said.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Police are performing beyond expectation...Police affairs minister.

Every mother assumes her child is handsome and good, but I think our comedian of the month for January the police affair Minister, Ibrahim Lame stretched it a little bit...
I know we don't expect much from the police again but in a month that Falana sued them for arms trafficking in Ekiti, they started arresting goat in Kwara, accusation of rape in Lagos etc .... haba.
If the expectation is that bad, can we please dissolve the Nigeria police and start using civil defense corp?

Who is after Jang?

The governor of Plateau state Jonah Jang claimed that they are after his life. He is claiming that after mercenaries from outside the state could not achieve the aim, his opponent have now gone to far away Sudan to employ some professional assassins who are supposed to trail him to America and kill him there. You might be wondering like me how he knew all the details.

I will however beg the president, Mantu and Dariye to make sure nothing happens to him because people might accuse them.

Valentine season

Its a season of love that is why Obasanjo and Atiku can't sleep without talking to each other. We are told they went to Yar'adua's wedding in the same car. A year ago, to be at the wedding together we will need the United Nation's peace keeping force.
Ngige and Obi were accusing each other of not performing and telling lies, suddenly they are friends again, and Oshiomole just told us that he is a close pal of Osunbor after labeling him a thief weeks earlier.

I have discovered that valentine is already in the air and I won't be surprised if Osama host a dinner for Bush

Rat Bite Kill National Athlete in Warri.

Like my brother will say...anything can happen in Warri
National compass newspaper reported today that former national athlete Vincent Oghene was bitten by rat on his toe over the weekend and died from the complication.
Some people are maintaining that it's out of the ordinary for a rat to bite one, talk less of dying from it.....that a rat is not a snake.

Bank Frauds Flu: Businessman duped Intercontinental 17.7 Billion.

EFCC have revealed that the businessman involved in the 17.7 billion naira fraud involving intercontinental bank is no other than 'Chairman of Tanzila Petroleum Company, Alhaji Shehu Badamasi.

The oil magnate is being charged with criminal conspiracy, fraud, and diversion of credit facility of about N17.7 billion.
The billionaire businessman was said to have taken the funds from Intercontinental Bank between 2006 and 2008.'

We are told properties worth 3.5 billion have been recovered.

If you remember 6 staff of bank PHB were charged to court for another bank fraud of 17 billion naira last week in abuja and 2 staff of access bank were charged to court in Lagos for frauds of almost 100 million naira

Monday, February 2, 2009

Will you marry a Billionaire?

Charity Maduka, wife of the Coscharis Billionaire have surprised all of us by claiming that if she have the opportunity she will marry her billionaire quiet Christian husband again.

Will you marry a poor man if you know he will become a billionaire in a few years?

Consider also the headache of being a billionaire's wife, other women chasing your husband, family disturbing you, you have enemies because people are envious, and the biggest one the stress of spending all that money.

Aishat Yar'adua refused to marry Governor

Unconfirmed report alleged that Aishat the beautiful daughter of Umar and Turai Yaradua have refused to marry any governor and is set to marry her heartthrob- a multi-billionaire businessman Abdulrahman Musa Bashir. The young man is the CEO and owner of Rahamaniya group of companies. Watch out for Rahamaniya oil and gas which is already big and can only get bigger with the president as father-in-law. Abdulrahman's gain will be a loss for Fashola and Shekarau who had been earlier tipped to marry the delectable Aishat and maybe me also....lol

I love Nafisat Yar'adua...Abiodun Yuguda

The second wife of Governor Isa Yuguda have assured us that Nafisat will have no trouble in the house.

Abiodun Yuguda told us that she loves all her husband's wife and that Nafisat will be specially welcomed into the house. We are however trying to reach the 3rd wife since she is the one been replaced as the belle, whether she also professes such love for the young Nafisat.

The only other issue we have not been able to clarify is that going forward who is going to be the first lady, a position currently occupied by the first wife.

Obama's brother arrested for drug

George Obama, the half brother of the new American president have been arrested for drug related charges in Kenya. The police have said it's just for possession of illegal items and not for drug trafficking. The white house have refused to comment but we are not sure that they have not called the Kenyan Government on the issue since blood is thicker than water. The young man in his early 20's is training to be a mechanic and lives with relatives in Kenya.

Nigeria Megaland Owners

We all know that the Oniru’s own plenty of land but we just discovered that the land use act can stop masses from owning land but not the big boys with political connections.
Okoya, Odogwu and Folawiyo are old money and have being involved in real estate for a long time. The new kids on the block include Cement magnate Dangote, Banker Jim Ovia, the oilman Femi Otedola, the coporate lawyer/businessman Babalakin, Globacom Adenuga, all friends of the government.

I never dated Idris Abdulkarem…Jumoke Alao

Jumoke Alao, Presenter of Gbedu on AIT has declared that what she had with crooner Idris is no more than musician/presenter relationship and they never dated. I hope we wont start investigating musician/presenter relationship and who really dated who especially since Jummy is now engaged. Somebody just told me to mind my business so Jumoke, don’t have any relationship with Idris again oo so people wont misinterpret it.

How to be relevant..by Oni Sijuwade

We have been wondering for days why the controversial and off the point speech by Ooni at Awolowo’s 100th birthday and book launch.

We discovered that of recent the fight between Alaafin and Olubadan has made them more popular and news worthy than the Ooni, so the smart royal father decided to get involved in the fight and give us his own version of the fight. He told us stories of meetings where the rest of the people involved are dead so we cant cross check though we cant even doubt a royal father. He also told us how people begged him to come to Nigeria as a prince to intervene in Olubadan getting a beaded crown etc…..I am waiting for the counter attack from the Alaafin’s camp because if they refuse to reply the Ooni might sue them for making him irrelevant.

60 Billion naira poultry in Kwara

The government of kwara state is planning to set up a 400 million dollar poultry in conjunction with some Syrian farmers. The governor was recently awarded the best governor in agriculture development at the last thisday award.

This will probably be the biggest poultry in sub shara Africa. We will however be investigating the qualification of the technical partner and how they plan to raise 60 billion naira in this era of credit crunch.

We hope its not another Fayo Ekiti poultry project, since Saraki has a name and lineage to protect.


In pursuant of the president eight point agenda, speculation is mounting over which Governor will be next to marry one of the yaradua’s girls. Its believed that with 2 marriages in less than 2 years in office it must be a government policy and probably the only one that is going full stream.

People are now speculating over which governor will be the lucky one to marry next. Its being calculated that it’s the turn of the south to get one and with Governor Fashola being the only Muslim and also being an AC governor so will as wedding present decamp to the PDP, the front runner. We are reliably informed that the main opposition is Shekarau from Kano and chairman of the governor’s forum, Saraki from Kwara.

Police involved in Arms trafficking.

A case in court has exposed the fact that the police is involved in arms trafficking. We were told that two policemen in Ekiti were involved in supplying arms to militants and kidnappers and nobody is doing anything about it. The claim of Femi Falana and Co is that the commissioner of police must know more about it and that is why nobody is prosecuting so that the sergeants involved won’t start singing and incriminating everybody.

Obasanjo, Atiku are rogues….Isiyaku Ibrahim

Chuks Okocha, a Thisday journalist missed a chance of a scoop when he refused to follow up the claim by elder politician and PDP board of trustee member, Isiyaku Ibrahim. At first Ibrahim claimed he doesn’t talk about such people, meaning Obasanjo and Atiku. Later without much prompting he started singing about the fact that they are a bunch of rogues and Mr Okocha probably scared, quickly changed the topic making us miss a chance either to know what really happened or to discover that Uncle Ibrahim is just angry….what a miss.

An open letter to Nuhu Ribadu

Dear Nuhu,

I was shocked about the claim in court by your counsel that you feared for your life and that you are looking for a job.

How can you fear for your life? As a devout Muslim you know you cannot die before the appointed time and you cannot add a day to your life. I am also not sure your enemies want to kill you. They have already stripped you naked in the marketplace by telling everybody that you only harass the thieves that are Obasanjo’s enemies, sack you and even leak the secret during your graduation at Kuru that you are sick, of cos you are sick if not why will you have served Nigeria with such vigor. It takes only a madman to go after powerful thieves. In my village nobody kills madmen so I can tell you that you can leave your village nobody is after you, don’t think anybody was deceived by the decoy of the rumour that you have traveled out, we all know you are in Adamawa.

Oga Nuhu, you are a lawyer so you know you can not look for work since you are still in court challenging your dismissal……Don’t mind the minister that said you will never come back, unless he has seen the judgement of the case you have not pleaded in court or he is saying the ‘rule of law’s’ government might not obey the court. He is out of point. He has forgotten nobody was expecting Obasanjo/Atiku’s new love affair, so you too might suddenly become a sought after bride.

You have other options, you too can visit Ibori and Co at home with Farida and apologize that what should they have expected from a short young man like you, or if your father in law can get you money to buy a house in Abuja, he can still get you money to do business, links for contract or a job.

You can also to write your story…it will be the No1 bestseller in this country and will be at least six volumes. I can’t wait for the volume on Tinubu and also the one on Odili.

In case you need a publisher talk to me.

I remain your only friend


Thisday Lifetime Achievement and Governors award

If six governors win awards every year and most governors will do two terms of 4 years making eight years, my simple calculation makes 48 awards… That means since we have only 36 governors, each governor will probably get an award before he leaves office….I love Thisday…I still wonder how we can claim Lamido has change education in Jigawa in 2 years, I think education development is something that will take time but all governors must get awards.
Also with the number of people getting lifetime awards some people will soon start getting it for the 2nd time because we don’t have new people or because nobody will be sure of who has collected before.

Thisday Best and Worst dressed award

We are all still talking about Michelle Obama and her daughters dressing for the inauguration and praising their advisers.

Lets praise Oshiomole’s advisers for the safari suit he wore to the Thisday award. He was really looking like a comrade and a lot of people will be wondering what he was doing there since he was looking out of place. Uncle Adam, Edo people will judge you based on your performance not whether you refuse to dress up and the rumour is that you have a convoy of 25 cars, just reduce it and the fuel money for 10 of those cars will change your wardrobe.

Bukola Saraki is not just handsome but has style and is unique but Toyin was so well dressed that they just had to praise her diamond. The carpenter that nailed that cloth together is wicked but her supporters have said at least she did not hawk her mammalian gland like the wives of some governors and MDs…I wont mention names

Thisday Award:The Egyptian Ushers

We were told that most of the ladies at the award did a lot of close monitoring of their better half. We cannot really blame them because the ushers were so beautiful that they outshone the beautiful dome that was used for the award. Also considering the reputation of Nigeria’s politicians and businessmen for skirt chasing, it was safer. My issue with uncle Nduka is why the Egyptian concept. I would have preferred one out of 250 Nigeria’s tribes. We re supposed to be doing proudly Nigerian and Thisday did not sell when it went to South Africa ooooo.

Thisday Award:Fashola drove Thisday to Abuja

No matter what they tell us, the quarrel between Uncle Babatunde and Nduka is what brought Thisday award to Abuja. Normally Lagos is the place to be and the only place you can be sure you can see the ‘A’ crowd that will fill the hall since its only politicians that stay in Abuja. Nduka the consummate producer decided to show Lagos what they are missing and brought Clinton, Annan, Rove, Bush, Dean and co to create a show that stun and also brought all the Lagos crowd to Abuja, and also gave plenty of governors award but could find none for Fashola……hope that uncle Fashola wont beg because we still want the show in Abuja next year.

Thisday Award: Intercontinetal, Zenith, GTbank, Diamond, Bank PHB…all the banks won awards.

Gtbank, Aderinokun was CEO of the year but Intercontinental Akingbola was Banker of the year, funny. Zenith Bank was given the best global bank, and can you beat this; Diamond bank was Bank of the year, the only qualification will be the biggest lottery with the 50 mm jackpot. If Diamond bank is the best in Nigeria then we are in worse trouble than we think and my aunty in the village will soon get an award for her esusu business.
Bank PHB was also the most improved, I did not know they were that bad and Access got an award for e-payment…I think all the banks got awards except for savannah bank which shows that if you advertise enough you will get an award. I am compiling my list of 40 awards that i will give banks every year and i am promising each bank will get at least one.

A Black Pope?

Black don’t use to play at Wimbledon, the current champion is a black girl Venus Williams and her sister just won her 4th Australian and her 10th grand slam.

George Weah a black man was a world footballer of the year.

Powell was secretary of state and Obama is now president.

The shocker is the party of segregation; the Republican Party has just picked a Blackman as his chairman.

The archbishop of York is a Blackman, Archbishop Akinola leads the biggest movement within the Anglican church, Blacks pastor the biggest churches in America and a number of European countries. Redeem’s Adeboye is the only Christian leader in Newsweek’s 50 men of the year, Nigeria’s winner chapel has the biggest church.

We can continue to show that power especially in spiritual things is shifting towards the blacks so we wont be surprised if the holy spirit decides its time for a black pope. People have said the Catholic Church is conservative but nobody could see an Obama 10 years ago and we cannot limit the work of the Spirit.

My only regret is the retirement of Cardinal Arinze thereby reducing the chance of Nigeria producing the first black pope.